…a mash up of Monty Python and a song by the Edsels
Hopefully marking my triumphant return to blogging, here is…
The Road To DogCon 3: In Which We Explain Our Transport And Discuss Our Mechanic
NOTE FROM 2022: So here it is, 11.5 years after we got Sweetie, and I am just being told by her that certain things I remembered were not based in reality. Why not? As is often the case in my family, for reasons we might not be able to understand. Whatever.
So now that I know the what, if not all of the why, I’m updating and commenting on this piece. I may comment on the next entry, too. Enjoy.
Your Humble Narrator has gotten literally thousands of imaginary emails asking about our bus, the Magic Bus. In addition, there have been many mythical inquiries about the newly installed TARDIS unit and the mechanic who installed it and, in point of fact, does all of the repairs and upgrades on the bus. This piece shall answer those nonexistent questions.
In 2007, I bought the bus from a former co-worker (Nope! Turns out he was a duplicate SmartBot.) at the pizza place I used to work for. It was an average sized school bus, built in 1970 and pretty much exactly like the ones I had ridden to school as a lad. I paid him $1,200.00, 90 pounds of salt pork, two albino budgerigars (both male), a bottle of Yukon Jack and a photograph of Prince Charles dressed up as a cheerleader. (I am told that the money went to various animal rescues, Joe ate the salt pork, the budgies went to a very good home, Library drank the Yukon Jack, and the pic of Prince Charles is down in the power plant of the Bus)
The bus was in very good shape, but lacking a motor and a transmission. (Because she does not have them) Oddly, this did not prevent me from driving it home, but after that it refused to run any more. It was painted a rather garish shade of purple and my neighbors hated it. This pleased me greatly, so I left it sitting on my side yard for all to see. (I still cherish that time)
The next morning after I bought it…and by “morning” I mean 3:12 AM…there was a knock on our door. I answered it, hoping that it was not some vampire Jehovah’s Witness, and saw that it was a burly looking fellow in coveralls. His name tag said “Joe”. (For a long time, I suspected Joe only had one pair of overalls, but he in fact has 30 identical pairs of them) He cheerily informed me that he “came with the bus” and asked if it was ok if he took it to the shop to put in a new engine & transmission. (Since that was unneeded, this turned out to be some sort of trust test, mostly) Ever wary of strange mechanics showing up in the wee hours to screw me out of money on auto repairs, I asked how much it would cost. He told me all repairs were $24.95. “Per hour?”, I asked. He replied no, that was the total price for ordinary repairs. (It was the only time I ever paid for a repair. Turns out Joe just wanted to go to the movies, then grab some tacos.) I told him to go ahead and fix it up and also give me an estimate on turning the bus into an RV. He winked and said “You betcha, Doc!” and walked off toward the bus. I could not recall telling him my name. (I did not, in fact, tell him.)
I staggered back to bed and fell asleep for another 5 hours. When I woke up, the bus was gone and my neighbors were having an impromptu party in the street. Some hours later, I left for work, mildly regretting that I had not gotten a phone number from Joe. (Still don’t have one.)
The bus was still gone when I got home, but was there when I woke up the following morning. Grace pointed out to me that if you listened, you could hear the neighbors sobbing. (It was like hearing the angels sing.) Joe showed up a few minutes later with a bill for $24.95 and an estimate of $302.73 for the RV conversion…$309.11 if we wanted hardwood floors. Grace and I agreed that this was way more than fair and opted for the hardwood floor version. Joe also suggested that we might want to “snazzy it up” with a digital destination display, an auto pilot and wireless internet access. We told him to go crazy on it and send us the bill. (Final total: $431.80) We offered him breakfast, but he politely declined saying that “human food gave him heartburn”. (Not true. He just does not like eggs.)
A week later, Joe and the bus were back. It was looking really sweet, with a paint job depicting famous wizards from film & literature, plus four different colored tires and tinted windows. (9 different neighbors tried to report our “garish monstrosity” to the authorities. All were very badly disappointed. That still warms my heart.) Inside, we had a drivers chair made out of a Laz-E-Boy recliner (Still hella comfy), a small kitchen area, a fold out sleeper couch, a tiny toilet area, another recliner, a big screen tv and a king sized bed. There was also a great stereo system and plenty of bookshelves. And the aforementioned hardwood floor, which was solid walnut. (You’ll note that the inside was just the ordinary size. Sweetie decided to ease us into the really mindblowing stuff.)
We took her out for a spin and she ran like a champ. When we got home, Joe told me he would put the bus in storage until we needed it. The rest, as they like to say to shorten things up, is history. Eventually, we had the autopilot removed because it refused to violate the speed limit. (That was later corrected.) Then we had it repainted in a tie dye pattern that slowly changes every few minutes. Some of our neighbors took to drinking heavily when they saw it. (The gift that keeps on giving!)
A few months ago, Joe (who appears to have no last name, current residence or telephone) (Because he lives on the Bus.) popped in saying he had gotten a used TARDIS unit from “a guy who didn’t need it anymore”. (Not true. it was there all the time.) It cost $143.82, (Donated to a zoo.) but Joe assured me that, although it would not be able to let us travel through space & time, (Still easing us into Weirdshitville.) it would allow the interior of the bus to be much larger. That sounded damned good to Grace & I, so I had him install it. It still needs a bit of fine tuning, but right now the interior of the bus runs about 25,000 square feet on 3 levels. Finding certain rooms can be a bit tricky and I’m not certain why we need a handball court, but overall, I’m pleased. (We later got things adjusted, although rooms still change from time to time. The handball court became the Slide Room.)
Next Installment: We discuss a bit more about the Magic Bus and then introduce our new imaginary cat.
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