…he’s only 5′ 4″, but has a wonderful singing voice
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The Doclopedia #1,694
My Family: Cousin Emma
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Poor Emma. She’s about the nicest person you could ever meet, but her luck with husbands is just terrible. She’s married to a nice guy now, but her first three were cads.
Charlie, her first husband, was a real asshole and they divorced after 5 years. Even then, when he asked Emma if he could stay in the guest house for a month while he looked for a new place, she said yes. See, he had signed over the house, the car, etc in the divorce. Not sure why, but we all figured he just wanted out of the marriage.
Then, just at the end of that month, Charlie embezzled $250,000.00 from the company that he worked for and split town that night. Emma told the police that she heard a car stop out on the road (the house was about 3 miles outside town) around 1:00 in the morning, and when she peeked out the window, she saw Charlie get in a car with some blonde lady.
They never found Charlie. The police figure he made it to Mexico or somewhere. Emma was kind of upset for a while, but then started working on her new flowerbed and a couple of months later won $100,000.00 at some Indian casino somewhere.
Her second husband, Frank, was rich and seemed like a nice enough guy, but a couple of years into their marriage, he started drinking and cheating. They were on the road to divorce when he wrecked his car one night and got killed. He was seen leaving the bar in a definitely impaired state and just drove right off the road into the canyon near their house. The police said it looked like he swerved hard for some reason, but then, he was drunk. When the cops went to the house to tell Emma, they found the EMTs their, taking care of a bad cut she got when she stumbled into a full length mirror in her bedroom. Busted the mirror and she needed 8 stitched to her hand. Later, she got a million dollar insurance payout.
Her third husband was Clarence. He was older than her and was kind of strange, but he was as rich as she was. Anyway, as the years went by, he seemed to get more possessive of her and jealous, you know? For about a year they seldom went anywhere and didn’t come to family gatherings. Then, one day, old Clarence tripped and fell down a flight of stairs and that was that. Emma was really broken up and after the insurance and will and stuff were taken care of, she took off on a 6 month vacation, to get away and grieve.
Her present husband, Bob, is a great guy. Average looks, 50 years old, works as a mechanic and doesn’t care how rich Emma is. She says he’s a keeper. We are all glad to hear that.
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The Doclopedia #1,695
My Family: Great Uncle Rafael
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Great Uncle Rafael was about 60 when I was born, but he lived to be 97. We never saw him much, but he always seemed nice and he always brought really great candy to family functions.
After he died, Interpol contacted the family and asked us all sorts of questions. So did the FBI, CIA, and about 10 other police and intelligence agencies.
Turns out the old son of a bitch was a criminal mastermind wanted in 110 countries. I wish we had found out when I was a kid, because that would have been hella cool to tell my friends at school.
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The Doclopedia #1,696
My Family: Aunt Queenie
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Okay, technically, Aunt Queenie was nor really anyone’s aunt, being as how she was a ghost and all, but we welcomed her into the family anyway.
She was a hoot at parties, singing and dancing and making the lights dim and a breeze to blow. When she would tell us stories before bed, she’d alter her shape to look like the characters. She was everyone’s favorite.
Sadly, when the house burned down in 1978 due to Cousin Cole having one of his “attacks”, Aunt Queenie passed on into the next life. I still miss her.
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