…from the April 1951 issue
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A Short Lecture
Gardening As A Hobby
I am informed by my friends with dirt stains in the knees of their jeans and soil under their fingernails that gardening is both a relaxing hobby and a way to beautify your landscape. I was also told tales of how delicious home grown vegetables and fruits are, such crops also being much less expensive than those purchased in the grocery store.
My interest piqued by this information, I decided to unpique it by doing some gardening myself. I should now like to take you through my gardening venture step by step.
1: You go to the garden center and tell the person working there that you want to start a garden. Within minutes, you will be lightheaded from trying to answer all of the questions they will ask you. Many of their questions will involve the use of long Latin names for something like peas or grass. And don’t make the rookie mistake of thinking peas are peas and grass is grass! I assure you that there are more types of peas and grass than you imagine, or even should imagine.
2: Once you are well and truly confused, the garden store person will begin filling your cart, which you will buy. But the cart is not filled with seeds or plants. No, my friends, you first must have roughly 85 kinds of garden tools, some of which are gas or electric powered. Why, there are around 30 kinds of shovels alone, and you’ll need at least 5 of them. Why? Because that friendly clerk needs to buy a third home, that’s why.
3: Once you are armed with gardening tools, you next need the proper attire. Thankfully, this is limited to a broad brimmed hat, a pair of gloves, some kneepads and a pair of rubber boots. These are all available at prices that tell you that third home is going to have a swimming pool.
4: Finally, you will be escorted to the plant and seed area, where the selection is large enough to make you wish you were back choosing shovels. There are at least 50 varieties of any given plant. 500 if you are looking at beans or roses. It’s enough to drive one to drink, which might be the easiest thing to go do.
Now, before you can buy so much as a packet of seeds, you must answer an onslaught of questions. Organic or not? Annuals or perennials? Vegetables? Fruits? Vines? Groundcovers? Shade, sun or somewhere in between? Trees? Shrubs? Both? I’ll tell you, my friends it was like being grilled by the police.
In the end, I decided to go with an organic vegetable garden in the sun, because it sounded simple. HA!
5: After selecting enough packets of seeds and small plants to buy a car, no doubt to be parked in the garage of that third house, I was again grilled.
In ground? Raised beds? Large pots? Window boxes? Drip irrigation? Bird netting? Compost? Mulch? Organic fertilizer? Beneficial insects? In the end, I just told the clerk to choose, mostly because I was getting dizzy and I figured he might as well have expensive furniture in that house.
6: After finally getting to the checkout line, I depleted my bank account and headed home with everything I needed for a fine organic vegetable garden. As I drove, I considered all the hard work ahead of me. All of those hours sweating in the sun digging and raking and watering.
And so I called up a gardening service and had them install the whole thing. My vegetable garden is now the talk of the neighborhood.
Good Day.
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