…he’s a slippery sucker
Critter Con 15
Day 1: In which we stop to see Robots Fight, drink from a Giant Orange, walk through a Tin Can Wonderland, check out a Garden Hose of Unusual Size, and go to a show we never thought we’d see again.
At just before 8:00 AM, we left home and started down Highway 99.Traffic was not too bad and we arrived at Stockton about 9:00. Another 15 minutes of driving across town and we came to our first stop, The World Famous RoboDome, home of the robot boxers.
(Yoyo: Dad was a little too excited about being here, but Mom said he’s easily excitable.)
(Leon: Auntie Grace is a master of understatement.)
Now, if you think this sounds like any number of Twilight Zone episodes or various motion pictures, you’re right. The creators of this place and the first boxerbots were inspired by all of that, plus certain novels, short stories and human boxing matches.
The place is not fancy, but it’s clean, the seats are pretty comfy, and every seat has a great view of the ring. It was only 5 bucks each to get in and it was a 3 fight card. Each fight would last no more than 20 minutes and betting, while illegal, was rampant. The arena can seat 1,000, bit I reckon there were only maybe 350 there.
(Duke: I feel funny in my human body. Walking on two legs is weird.)
(Leon: That’s true, buddy, but you’ll get used to it.)
The first fight was a lightweight match, with both boxers between 80 and 95 pounds. Pink Lady Kalinski weighed in at 90 pounds and was known for her powerful right fist, which was made of stainless steel, and her general sturdiness.
Her opponent, the 82 pound Swifty Morgan, was faster and more maneuverable, but lacked power in any punch. He could, however deliver several 1-2 punches.
Both bots were built using the R2-D2 style bodies
Despite both bots delivering many hits…
(Yoyo: Swifty was like “bambam…bambam” and Pink Lady was all “BAM”.)
(Lettie: It was noisy and exciting.)
(Leon: More exciting for those of us who had money riding on the outcome.)
…they went the full 20 minutes, and Pink Lady won by decision.
(Leon: And I’m 100 bucks richer.)
Next up were the middleweights, Rocky Ruiz (150 pounds) and Crusher Gordon (148 pound). These were two old scrappers and used wheeled centauroid bodies. Each had 3 arms and plenty of body armor. I put a C-note on Crusher.
It was a fast and brutal match, lasting 7 minutes before crusher landed a blow to Rocky’s head, knocking out his ability to move. I gathered up my 300 bucks and bought us all sodas before the next bout.
(Leon: Shit! I lost $50.)
(Brownie: I lost $100.)
(Duke: Mom and I won $30!)
The final bout was superheavyweight, two 300 pound, four armed, four legged, spider bodied brutes. Black Widow Boyd versus Brown Recluse Yee. The crowd was hella excited because this was a rematch. In their last meeting, Boyd won with a two armed knockout in the last 2 minutes. Yee was back for blood. Or whatever.
I put $500 on Yee at 4 to 1. I’m pretty sure everyone else in our party dropped a few bucks, too.
The fight was just insane. It was like watching a kaiju movie, and sounded like two garbage trucks repeatedly crashing into one another. In the end, Yee took advantage of Boyd having lost the use of a rear leg, and took him out with a 4 fisted smash. I pocketed my 2 grand and we all got back on the Bus.
(Roxy: Here is a list of other winners & losers. Winners: Yoyo, Duke, Mary, Leon, Grace, Amy, Avis, and myself. Losers: Lettie, Brownie, Mara, Spike, Omar, my Mom.)
We left Stockton about 10:30 and by 11:30 we were all thinking lunchy thoughts. Now, we could just eat on the Bus, because we have 3 gourmet chefs, but that’s not very vacation-like. So instead, when we reached the town of Livingstone, we pulled into a blast from the past: a Giant Orange.
I’ve written about the Giant Orange chain in past con reports, but suffice it to say, by about 1975, they were pretty much all gone. However, a few new ones have popped up around California, including this one.
It’s a small building that looks like a huge orange. They have a very limited menu of fresh orange juice, soda, hamburgers/cheeseburgers, hot dogs, and bags of chips. That’s it. They have a poster telling the Giant Orange Story, and a few outdoor tables. We ordered our chow and ate while I regaled everyone with stories of trips down 99 from my childhood.
(Yoyo: Wow! Dad had an incredibly long memory.)
(Brownie: HAH! I can recall shit that happened over 115 years ago.)
We were done eating around 12:30 and while the Bus took us to our next stop, we all played a few hands of a new NHT created card game “Mouse Traders”. It’s pretty fun. You collect types of mice then sell them or trade them. It’s a lot like Bohnanza.
At just about 2:45, we rolled into the Tin Can Wonderland just east of Tulare. Another fine example of both creative recycling and somebody having too much damned time on their hands, this is 30 acres of stuff made out of all sizes of tin cans.
Normally, it’s a $5.00 per person donation to go in and wander around, but when the owner/sculptor saw how many of us there were, he gave us a nice discount and got his daughter in law to be our guide.
(Duke: She was a nice lady and she is going to have a baby. I smelled it!)
(Mara: Yes, you sure did, and it was nice how you congratulated her. It was maybe a bit of a surprise to her, though.)
The entire exhibition is set up kind of like “It’s A Small World” at Disneyland, except your walking, not riding in a boat, and you don’t hear the same fucking sappy song on constant repeat.
Many countries are represented, and, amazingly for the Blue area of Central California, done with no trace of racism, sexism or ridicule. There was even a fairly accurate scene of Halloween on Castro Street in San Francisco as it used to be in the 1970s.
The can sculptures depicted everything from buildings to people to animals. If they looked a bit cartoonish, they were still posed realistically and looked damned good.
Due to a comment by Duke, our guide hurried off after we got to the gift shop, where we bought all the usual merch.
(Leon: At some point, all those fridge magnets are going to collapse Uncle Doc’s fridge.)
(Omar: Maybe he can tape it all back together with all the bumper stickers.)
As we were getting back on the Bus, Ellen, our guide, came running out waving a home pregnancy test and yelling “You were right!”. Then she hugged Duke, who was wearing a 12 year old boy body, and kissed him on the cheek. He was a bit embarrassed, but was very well mannered.
(Duke: I had never been hugged and kissed by a stranger. It was nice, but strange. I’m glad she was so happy.)
We got to Bakersfield at 5:30 and immediately went to re-visit The World’s Longest Garden Hose, Garden Gnome Kingdom, and Dancing Sprinklers.
Sadly, due to drought conditions, the sprinkler show is only done for 15 minutes, twice a day (10:00 AM and 3:00 PM). All the water is recycled.
The gnome population has swollen to 2,200, mostly because the gnome painters and sculptors in the city had lots of time on their hands during quarantine. The ones we could see without paying to go in, because it was almost closing time, looked great.
The real attraction is the long hose…
(Yoyo: As many of my ex-girlfriends can tell you.)
(Brownie & Omar: SAME!)
(Amy: They never really grow up. 120+ years old and they’re still teenage boys.)
…, which has increased dramatically, no doubt due to the same COVID induced boredom. It is now 75 miles long.
75 MILES LONG! It can, and in fact has, stretched along I-5, up over the Grapevine, to Castaic, where they ran water onto a Slip N Slide back in April. Amazing. The security guard says that by next April, they expect to pass 100 miles.
The hose now takes up 2.5 hose reels that stand 18 feet tall. Reel #3 arrives in September. Even though we didn’t go in, we all pitched in five bucks toward more hose.
(Lettie: Folks, you have no idea how excited Uncle Doc gets by stuff like this.)
(Roxy: It’s like he just got a new squeaky mouse.)
Our final stop in Bakersfield was, I’m sure, the high point of out trip this year. We stopped for dinner on board the bus before going into…
Uncle Ferdie’s World Famous Trained Squirrel Review!
Yes, Gentle Readers, Uncle Ferdie, after much therapy and rest, has come back into show biz, and in a big way. The new theater that he built can hold 2,000 people and it looks great inside and out.
Uncle Ferdie has also, unsurprisingly, increased security to keep out any animals other than humans. You could probably knock over Fort Knox easier. To his credit, the “Pet Transporting Vehicle Garage” has a nice set of dog/cat/bird/small animal indoor parks. We, of course, just put everyone into human bodies while their animal bodies were relaxing via CBD treats in a bedroom on the Bus.
All of the Uncle Ferdie Reviews we’ve seen have been great, and this one was no exception. The theme was “Let’s Put On A Show!”, inspired, of course, by all those Judy Garland & Mickey Rooney movies from the 1930s and 40s. It had music, dancing, comedy, lots of running around, acrobatics, and romance. It lasted 68 minutes and was well worth the $15.00 each we paid. We hit the gift shop pretty hard and then signed a guest book on our way out.
(Lettie: The show was amazing, especially considering that those squirrels are not sapient. I cannot recommend seeing this show enough.)
(Roxy: I agree 100%. Their little costumes were darling.)
(Yoyo: Part of me wanted to chase those squirrels, but I was too mellowed out to do it. Also, Mom was sitting next to me.)
(Leon: Same here, little bro.)
We are now in Barstow for the night, and it being 11:00 almost everyone has hit the sack. Tomorrow we head into Arizona.
More trip reportage then.
Starting Destination Sign: The Little House On The Prairie
Ending Destination Sign: Camelot
Radio Station: KTUN “All Cartoon Music”
The Dociverse Blog 