…in an unheated car in -10 degree weather
BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Behold, Gentle Readers, the final two states! Sweet Dog in Heaven, I will NEVER do a fuckin’ theme that long again! Now, I take a day off before starting the next MUCH shorter theme.
The Doclopedia #276
Altered (United) States: Wisconsin “The Big Cheese”
On August 2nd, 1989, a truckload of cheese skidded off a Wisconsin country road when the driver, a Mr. Roy Goetz, suffered a heart attack. It wasn’t a fatal heart attack, although it probably would have been better for Roy if it had been.
Lying there, in a very shallow pond of water that was now full of cheese and a tractor trailer truck, Roy was very much still alive when the mix of molds, bacteria, algae and various illegally dumped chemicals began to enter both his body and the cheese. Pity that Roy had taken this particular out of the way road as a shortcut, because it was three days before anybody found the truck.
But not the cheese, the pond water or Roy.
Over the next week, seven cheese making facilities across Wisconsin reported all of their cheese and some of their employees gone. On the eighth day, a huge bloblike creature composed of cheese and other substances attacked the Wisconsin International Cheese Festival, devouring an estimated 30 tons of cheese and 133 people. From their, the “Big Cheese”, as the press dubbed it, went on a real rampage. Many towns and cities were destroyed before the now mountain sized creature settled in on the ruins of Madison.
The US military attacked, but nothing could harm it. Bullets, napalm, missiles, explosives…all were useless. Inspired by what had worked in the movie “The Blob”, they tried dropping liquid nitrogen on it. The outer layer of it froze solid, but the semi-liquid inner layer burst out with miles long tentacles and wiped out 4 bombers, 3 fighter jets and pretty much everything in a two mile radius of downtown Madison.
By October, the Big Cheese measured three miles across and 1,500 feet tall at the center. It could extend tentacles out for up to seven miles and it had eaten damn near every living thing it could reach. Much of the populace of Wisconsin had fled to other states and worldwide cheese consumption had dropped by 75%.
Science was working hard on a way to defeat the cheesy menace when, in December, the worst ice storm in 100 years hit that portion of the Great Lakes area. After 5 days of insanely cold weather, it looked as though the Big Cheese had frozen solid. The government brought in special equipment and teams to start cutting it up. Twice a day, the whole area was cleared out so freezing chemicals could be sprayed on the remaining cheese monster. By January 18th, the last of the Big Cheese was removed to permanent cold storage deep in ice caverns in Antarctica. At last, Wisconsin and most likely the entire world was safe again.
That is, until the Great Cheese Zombie Rising of 1991.
The Doclopedia #277
Altered (United) States: Wyoming “A Beastly State”
In the entry for Alaska, we told you how sentient bears ruled that state. Well folks, on no less that 5 different Earths, the state of Wyoming…in particular the area in and around Yellowstone National Park…is ruled by sentient mammals ranging from wolves to cougars to bison to, yes, bears. Humans can and do live in the state, but they know that if they don’t toe the line, they’ll get evicted…or eaten.
In fact, humans don’t get eaten, but the cattle, sheep and hogs they raise for consumption by the sentient carnivores do. The same goes for the tens of thousands of bales of hay that get placed out during the winter months for the herbivores.
What do the humans get? Gold…diamonds…rare gems…and an incredibly rare mineral that can be used to make anti gravity drives for space craft. How do the animals get these things? Nobody knows, but the prevailing theory is that it has something to do whit whatever or whoever made them sentient in the first place.
Note From 2025: In fact, I did a MUCH longer theme in 2023/2024. Why? Because I’m a fucking idiot.
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