…they fling poo, but it smells like lavender
The Doclopedia #877
Random Stuff!: How To Survive A Zombie Rising
When the zombies started raising hell on May 7th, 2009, Max Lanofsky was the first person in his neighborhood to know about it, because his cousin Adam called him from the Air Force base and had enough time to say “Shit’s on, Max! Zombies!” before he had to run off and fly his helicopter.
Now, Max had chosen his home site well. His neighbors all had gardens and plenty of useful stuff. Better yet, most of them were yuppies who spent a lot of their time at work or out of town. Better than that, his neighbor two doors down was Jimbo Richards, a survivalist. Jimbo lived in a fortress of a home with his wife (also a survivalist/conspiracy nut) and his sweet old mother, who often referred to her son & daughter in law as “a couple of goddamn nuts”.
So on that fateful day, he walked over to Jimbo’s house and casually asked the gun nut if he had heard about that big truckload of automatic weapons that turned over out on the interstate. Mr. & Mrs. Jimbo were out of the house so fast they nearly knocked Max over. Jimbo’s mom, Polly, was laughing up a storm. It seems she had heard about the zombies from her friend Mrs. Figgins about an hour earlier. She knew there was no truck spill on the interstate, but if it got “Jimbo & the Bimbo” out of the house, that was ok with her.
So, while Max’s wife called up certain friends & relatives to come on over for the duration, his kids brought over stuff from their house and Polly baked cookies, Max set about looting the yuppie homes for food and other useful stuff, including one guy’s extensive collection of swords and other weapons.
When the realatives & friends arrived, they helped get more houses zombieproofed. By the time the first walking dead appeared, everybody was armed and they had lots of fun shooting zombies in the head. Indoors, the kids played video games and the older folks watched the news.
Meanwhile, Jimbo & his wife had a hell of a time dodging zombies and ended up spending the next 18 months in an old prison down near Lompoc. Maybe they shouldn’t have left home in such a hurry that the forgot to take any weapons.
Anyway, Max & his gang did really well, what with all the food Jimbo had stored up and the gardens in every yard and the fact that the zombies were slow and stupid and the military coming in with truckloads of brains and leading the zombies to the desert where they could be napalmed. Once all the zombies were gone, Max moved out of Jimbo’s house and everything was back to nearly normal.
Except that none of the yuppies ever came home. Seems that zombies really like yuppie brains.
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The Doclopedia #878
Random Stuff!: Boris Zemlesmikov
In 1863, 25 year old Boris was working as a chemist in St. Petersburg when he stumbled onto a formula that seemed to heal wounds with remarkable speed. After several experiments, he noticed that it would cure most diseases, too. Seeing a very prosperous future for himself, Boris began mixing up a large batch of the stuff, intent on using it to become a doctor to the wealthy & powerful.
As often happens, things went a bit differently when the vat full of formula got too hot and exploded, soaking Boris with boiling liquid. Mad from pain, he ran screaming into the Russian winter night. The formula had given him superior endurance, so he ran a very long way before stopping. When he did, he was way out in the forest, alone and nearly naked. His body was no longer in pain and he was very hungry. He started walking, but fell off a cliff and into a river.
When Boris woke up, he was 100 miles downstream, nearly frozen and had lost much of his memory of the past few years. He was miles along on his walk back to the city, having stolen some clothes in a village, when he heard that much of St. Peterburg was engulfed in flames that had gotten their start at his lab. Now a wanted man, Boris changed his course and headed for Europe. Eventually, he got to Paris and started life anew as a baker.
As time passed, Boris realized that besides having an incredible healing rate, he also wasn’t aging at the normal rate. In 1893, he left Paris for London and started another new life. He would repeat this every 20-30 years, each time moving to a new country or city. By 2003, Boris was 165 years old and looked 70. He had settled down on a small farm near Adelaide, Australia. At some point in 2008, he was bitten on the same day by a tiger snake and a funnel web spider, which made him quite sick and feverish for a couple of days. As before, Boris recovered fully, but this time he found that he felt a bit off. By 2012, he knew that he was aging at the normal rate, even though his healing factor was still way above normal. Boris died at his farm in November of 2033 at the age of 195.
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The Doclopedia #879
Random Stuff!: Farty The Chipmunk
This animated series ran on the Kidz! Channel for 7 years. It followed the antics of Farty the Chipmunk, his pal Hortense Hare and the other screwy denizens of Creekside Woods. Much of the humor came from tiny little Farty ripping off humongously loud farts of hurricane force. Kids and adult men loved the show, but mothers around the world hated it. It was finally cancelled after many kids (and adult men) tried to replicate the “Farty’s Fiery Farts” episode.
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The Doclopedia #880
Random Stuff!: The Dungeon Of The Dwarven King
This is a very large four level dungeon with miles of twisty mazelike passages and plenty of secret rooms. While the possibility of great loot is surely there, so are a wide variety of deadly monsters, including stone spirits, green rats, slime spewers and wind dragons. There are also many traps, most of which are designed to humiliate rather than kill or injury.
The dungeon lies under the Demonspine Mountains and is accessible from at least five different caves.
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