…until he cried!
As promised: The Triumphant Return Of The Doclopedia!
The Doclopedia #1,001
Out In The Woods: Old Max
“Well I’ll tell you one damned thing: Old Max is the biggest damned bear you’ll ever see, boy! He’s gotta weigh a ton and a half and stands about 15 feet tall when he rears up on his hind legs. Got paws the size of that platter you’re grandmother serves the turkey on come Thanksgiving! Got funny looking eyes, too, all big and green.
No, nobody knows exactly where in the woods he lives. Bears like to roam around and Old Max roams a hell of a lot more than most. I seen him over near Trout Lake, less than 5 miles from here and that feller who delivers the propane saw him all the way over by Onklyville, and that’s a good 75 miles away. Charlie Boles said he saw Old Max way up at the old gold mine on Indigo Mountain, but that’s 120 miles away and Charlie was probably drunk, since he also said he saw Old Max fly away.
Yeah, lots of hunters have gone after Old Max and a couple who came back out of the woods alive say they shot him. Only trouble there is that getting’ shot pisses him off. Ask old Lafe Grogan sometime what happened to his left arm. He shot Old Max from 100 feet away and barely lived to tell about it. ‘Course, I reckon Old Max got a tummy ache after eatin’ Lafe’s arm, seein’ as how Lafe is such a tough old son of a bitch.
So you damned kids stay the hell outta those deep woods if ya don’t want to end up as bear food!”
The Doclopedia #1,002
Out In The Woods: The Boy Shack
“So, this one time, Kenny and Walter and Red and Paul found this old shack in the woods and they fixed it up and stuff. They put a couple old sofas and a table and a bunch of stuff in it and they painted it green and that’s where they hung out all summer. It was for boys only and they even let me and Jimmy hand around even though we were younger. They did that, hang out I mean, for about three years, reading comic books and talkin’ about Star Wars and playing games and stuff. I think they might have even spent the night out there and drank BEER!
Then, one summer, they brought some GIRLS out to the shack and told us younger kids to go away. We figured that they were gonna scare the girls or something, so we watched the shack from way off, but there wasn’t any screaming or stuff, so Jimmy snuck up and peeked through a window and he said they were KISSING THE GIRLS!!!
Man, that was totally stupid!
Anyway, the next spring Red told us we could have the shack, so we fixed it up even better and stuff and painted “NO GIRLS!” on the door. We’re gonna play D&D and read comics and stuff all summer.
It will be SO cool.”
The Doclopedia #1,003
Out In The Woods: Big Dan & Stinky
“Come out of the City, did ya? Well, I can’t blame ya none. Those neighborhood warlords make things real tough for an indie. Me, I got the hell outta what was left of Denver 5 years ago.
Them woods over there? Don’t go in ’em. Mutants in there make these desert runners look like kitty cats. Big and lumpy and armored with scales, those bastards will kill ya and eat ya in a hot second.
Of course, they do leave old Big Dan & Stinky alone. See Big Dan is a Class 1 Mutant, normal as you or me, but stands 7’6” tall and made of muscle and sinew and pure old orneriness. Saw him toss an old Mini Cooper once like it was a tumbleweed. No, the mutants won’t mess with him.
And they REALLY won’t mess with Stinky. He’s a mutant animal, half giant wolverine, half skunk and all badass. Only thing he never tried to kill was Big Dan, cos he raised ol’ Stinky from a pup. No, Stinky is about the size of a minivan and pretty much pissed off all the time. Wouldn’t surprise me if he wasn’t eatin’ those scaly mutants. It would sure explain why we don’t see as many of them.
Anyway, that’s 5,000 acres of woods you don’t want to enter. Say, if you don’t mind some company, what say we head west? I hear there are some honest to God free towns in Northern California and Oregon. I’m pretty damned tired of this place.”
The Dociverse Blog 