…posted in 2025
Therapist, when we were discussing Silky: It’s obvious that you loved her. When did she die?
Me: April 19th, 1951…October 3rd, 1962…February 19th, 1963…May 10th, 1976…August 18th, 1986…August 23rd, 1998…September 28th, 1998…June 19th, 2006…November 20th, 2018. Not sure how many times over in her Homeline.
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: I think I need to lie down.
.
.
Once again, at a gathering of family and friends.
Therapist: Okay, after all of your strangeness, I think I’m ready for this, so here we go. A thing I like to do is…
Grace: Read.
Grindy: Watch old screwball comedies.
Yoyo: Tutor young boarders.
Blue: Go fishing.
Avis: Read.
Duke: Play my bass guitar.
Sunny: Paint.
Spike: Write.
Mary: Sing.
Aki: Play boardgames.
Annie: Listen to jazz from the 1930s.
Me: Work in the garden.
Mara: Go swimming.
Mrs Hudson: Take the children to the park.
Jeeves: Play cricket.
Therapist: What? But…I thought…oh, screw it.
.
.
In which our beloved and long suffering therapist, Dr. Palmer, pretty much melts down.
Therapist (Dr. Ellen Palmer): OH NO! My parents, both of whom are famous and highly regarded psychologists, want to come here to tape an episode of their upcoming television series! They want to show us in a session! This is TERRIBLE!
Grace: Calm down, Ellen. We can take care of this.
Therapist: THAT’S WHAT I’M AFRAID OF! You don’t know my parents. They’re…demanding!
Yoyo: I’m thinking we know why she chose this career.
Me: Grace is right, Doc. We can handle your parents. Jeeves, bring this woman a glass of lemonade and a medium strength brownie.
Therapist: No, I’ll figure out a way to get them to cancel.
Sweetie: Too late, Doctor. I have already contacted them and arranged a date for the meeting. I’ll be parked down the street by the park. Everything else is being arranged.
It is surprising how big a person’s eyes can open and how loud they can moan when getting good news like that.
Duke: We’ll show your parents how great you are, Doc!
Me: Damned right we will! What could go wrong?
Therapist scarfs down brownie and asks Jeeves to top off her lemonade with bourbon.
.
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As the lady said to the sailor, this is a long one.
THE BIG VISIT
The scene: Sweetie, Our Bus, is parked next to the local park. She is clean and her tie dye paint job is looking bright and fresh. The destination sign reads “Elsewhere”. Grace, Dr. Ellen, and I are waiting outside for her parents and a video crew.
I’m wearing a green “Timedude Incorporated” t-shirt, a purple bandana, khaki shorts, and no shoes. Grace is wearing a light blue top, jeans, and sneakers. Dr. Ellen is wearing business casual and flop sweat.
Doctors Harold & Alice Palmer pull up in a large car with a driver. A moment later a van pulls up and four people get out, carrying video gear. I greet them.
Me: Hello there! I’m Doc Cross. How y’all are?
The Palmers look somewhat confused, the video team looks amused, Grace is smiling, and Dr. Ellen looks like she wants the sweet release of death.
Introductions are made.
Dr. H. Palmer, looking rather boggled at Sweetie: You live in here?
Me: Part time. Our non-mobile house is down there, with the trebuchet in the yard.
Dr. A.: A trebuchet?
Grace: Next to the statue of Gojira. The neighborhood kids like to play with both of them.
Me: And they looks hella cool there among the sedums and lantanas. So, let’s go on in and get you folks set up.
H. Palmer: We’ll never all fit in there! Ellen, I…
Me, ushering everyone in: Oh, you’d be surprised how roomy it is! Hey, let me tell you what an absolute peach of a therapist your daughter is! She has helped so many in our extended family. We’d be lost without her.
Dr. Ellen looks not unlike a woman headed to the gallows.
Dr. H, stepping in and seeing the beaded curtain doorway that cannot be seen through: What the devil…
Me: Not today. He’s busy with the RNC.
I sort of nudge him through, along with Dr. A.
Stepping into the Living Room, the two of them are stunned, as expected, so Jeeves moves them toward a sofa and offers them a drink. They take them
Dr. A: It’s bigger on the inside!
Jeeves: Indeed is is, madame. Quite roomy, yet somehow cozy.
Video Guy: HOLY SHIT, IT’S A TAR…
Grace: No, can’t say that. BBC gets all pissy.
Me: Also, she doesn’t like being called that.
A. Palmer: Who doesn’t like…
Sweetie appears in her physical form, flowing up from the floor as the nanites construct her.
A. Palmer: Aiee!
Sound woman: SHIT!
Sweetie: I am she, Mrs Palmer. I am Sweetie, AKA the Magic Bus. My actual name is mostly unpronounceable by humans.
By this point, Dr. Ellen has pounded down two drinks. Fortunately, both were synthehol.
Dr. H. Palmer is getting ready to say what I expect will be too many words, so I head him off.
Me: Before we get going, let me introduce our family and friends.
Everyone, who were cloaked before, appears.
Dr. Ellen gasps quite loudly, then begins a low, almost bovine, moan.
I make introductions, which takes about 5 minutes.
A. Palmer: Is that a raccoon?
Yoyo: That’s Blue!
Blue: Brownie Hercules Cross. Glad to meet you, Doc,
About then, Dr. Very Important and Annoyed H. Palmer starts talking in a loud voice.
H. Palmer: What is all this foolishness? Obviously this is some sort of trick, with trained animals and illusions. Why, I…
Me: Hold it right there, Doc! I need to know one thing!
I wink at Sweetie. Friends & family begin grinning. Dr. Ellen opens her eyes almost supernaturally wide.
Dr. Ellen: Oh, please, no…
Me, placing a hand on H. Palmer’s shoulder: Doc, what do you like?
He is taken aback by the question.
H. Palmer: What…do I…like?…LIKE?…why…why… why…I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE!
And then we we’re off, rapping and dancing and shaking booties to “Baby Got Back” through 14 different realities and an equal number of bodies of varying species, sexes, and ethnicities. At one point, everyone was a cat, twerking. It was one of our better song & dance breaks.
And then it ended and we were back to normal.
Grindy: Holy crap, Sweetie, that was great!
Me: Yes, well done, Sweetie. Jeeves, let’s get those milkshakes passed out.
Second Camera guy: That was…insane and amazing, how…
Spike: Don’t ask. Sweetie’s explanation will make your ears bleed.
Mara: Even we Mad Scientists can’t fully understand it.
A. Palmer: We…we were ducks. And flowers. And…and…cats.
Lighting woman: And punk Vulcans. I had a much smaller ass in that one.
H. Palmer begins to come out of his daze and looks both scared and angry.
H. Palmer: Ellen! We are leaving RIGHT NOW and you have explaining to do.
Dr. Ellen, who, after 4 cannabinol laced drinks, is high as a California Redwood: Oh, Dad, calm down. You’ll get used to it.
H. Palmer looks like he’s gonna blow a gasket.
H. Palmer: This is insane!
Duke: Mad!
Avis: Looney!
Grace: Wacky!
Sunny: Crazy!
Me: Crazy?
Everyone: CRAZY!
And then the intro to “Crazy Train” starts and we’re off on song & dance number two.
When that one is over, we neuralize the Palmers and the tv crew. Swap out a fake recording of a simple therapy session for Grace & I, and send them all on their way.
Dr. Ellen: You altered their memories!
Me: And their personalities. Your dad will feel much better without that stick up his ass, and your mom is going to be more fun to have around.
Dr. Ellen: You did this for me?
Grace: Of course, dear. You’re part of the family.
Yoyo: Plus, you’ve been neuralized several times to keep you sane as you’ve met us.
Dr. Ellen: But you never told me!
Me: Pointing to a sign over the bar that says “It’s easier to ask forgiveness, than it is to ask permission.”
Dr. Ellen: This family!
Jeeves: If you are hungry, Doctor, we have a sushi bar set up in the Dining Room.
Dr. Ellen: I could eat, yes.
Me: Well, another good deed done with humor and style by Your Humble Servant.
Grace: Oh god, we’ll be hearing about this for years.
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