…but why?
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The Doclopedia #2,097
The Minorka Story: In Which The Ball Gets Rolling
Things that Grandpa, Uncle Luke, Cupcake and Brownie Learned About Trebuchets Today.
A watermelon hitting the side of a hospital makes a humongous splat. Then the police come to investigate.
A slightly over inflated NBA basketball, when thrown high and about 150 yards, will keep bouncing for over 2 miles. Then the police come to investigate.
A bundle of 60 tennis balls flying through the air looks hella cool and even cooler when they all land in the soccer field of a nearby school. Then the police come to investigate.
If an errant water balloon hits Mr. Minorka, who lives a ways up the street, just as his wife yells “I wish God would strike you down, you old bastard!”, and said balloon knocks him out cold, it will trigger one of Mrs. Minorka’s “events”. Soon, she will be running around naked while speaking in tongues and evading police and first responders. Mr. Minorka, who recovered fully after a few minutes, is convinced she threw the balloon and is telling the police to “Lock that screwy bitch up in the nuthouse”.
All in all, a very fun and educational day, but one that will not be allowed to happen again because Sasha & Misty just got home and are just brimming with stinkeye.
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The Doclopedia #2,098
The Minorka Story: In Which Alien Bigfoot Jesus First Appears
In today’s episode of “Grandpa watches the kids for an hour”…
Sasha left a very long list of things we absolutely could not do, and at the top of the list was “leave the house or Bus unless they are on fire or getting ready to explode”.
Restricted as we were, we decided to go into the holotransmitter booth and project our holograms outside, just in case Sasha was watching. Fortunately, she wasn’t.
Unfortunately, the transmitter projected us up the street to Mr & Mrs Minorka’s front yard. Here is the scene just before we appeared.
Mrs Minorka was repotting some cacti. Mr. Minorka was bent over trying to start their self propelled lawnmower. Their dog, Jeff was sniffing something over by the fence. Their very large cat, Moe, was sleeping about 2 feet away from Jeff.
The holotransmitter camera is a bit goofy and it actually mixed our three holograms together so that when we appeared halfway between Mrs Minorka and Jeff, we looked like a large yellow human/gorilla hybrid with a blue raccoon bursting out of it’s chest.
This caused Mrs Minorka to scream and throw a particularly prickly cactus up in the air and Jeff to give a very loud bark and leap toward the heinous monstrosity that was attacking his human mom.
Sadly, Jeff is an old and rather clumsy dog, so he really only leaped onto Moe, who is an excitable cat even when wide awake. Coming out of a sound sleep because of a loud bark, a falling dog and what looked like an sasquatch from Hell, Moe took off running at full speed.
The tossed cactus landed right of Mr Minorka’s ass just as he got the mower started and was asking his wife what the hell she was screaming about. The sudden multiple sharp pains in his ass caused him to yell and fall forward into the mower, getting his right leg and arm caught in the control bar of the handles in such a way as to push down the dead man’s switch and set the mower moving.
It should be noted that the mower in question was about 45 years old and the most powerful Mr Minorka could find back then. It could move along pretty quickly.
Back in the booth, we tried to get the camera adjusted, but only succeeded in enlarging our hologram by 50%, making it nearly 9 feet tall.
Moe, the cat ran straight into Mr Minorka on the mower and, seeing this grass covered, yelling, half man/half lawnmower, went into attack mode. For an overweight old cat on the high side of 12 years old, he was ripping into Mr Minorka pretty good. This in no way improved Mr Minorka’s mood.
I will pause here to mention that at the first scream, the Minorka’s neighbor across the street, Mrs Vang, started dialing 911.
Now facing an even larger alien sasquatch, Jeff, to his credit, ran forward to attack it. Of course, he ran right through us, which somewhat distorted us further, which is okay because now the kids were fighting and I was breaking them up. Anyway, Jeff plowed through us, hit Mrs Minorka and caused her to sit on 3 or 4 cacti.
For a woman nearing 70, Mrs Minorka could move awfully fast when confronted with a monster and a butt suddenly turned into a pincushion. She took off running and ran right into Officer Janet, one of our local cops who was first on the scene of what I’m sure the police are now calling “the latest Minorka incident”. Both Officer J and Mrs M, went ass over heels onto the pavement.
Meanwhile, Jeff had wisely decided to dive into the house through the doggie door. It was less wise of him to evacuate bowels and bladder as he sped across the living room.
The Lawnmower Thing was now heading up the sidewalk, panicking little kids and several cats & dogs. About 4 houses down, Mr Minorka got his leg untangled and the mower stopped moving. Things would have been relatively okay if he had not brushed his left hand over the mowers spark plug while trying to get up. His right hand was busy pulling a still mad and terrified Moe of his head. When the powerful electric shock went through him and Moe, it caused him to toss Moe away, right into Officer Hank, a large and not very pleasant cop.
About that time, we decided to leave the booth and go into the living room to watch old cartoons. When Sasha arrived home 5 minutes later, she looked at us for a long time, then reviewed the security camera footage, which showed that we never left the house. Only after that did she say that up the street, EMTs were pulling cactus needles out of the Minorka’s butts, Mrs Minorka was yelling about monsters, Mr Minorka was yelling that after he killed that goddamn cat he was moving to Florida, their lawnmower was half a block away, Officer Janet had a bandage on her head, a bleeding Officer Hank was try to chase down Moe, a couple of dozen kids were crying and things had generally gone to hell.
She started to ask us a question, but then just said “Aw, screw it” and went to get a drink.
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