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The Doclopedia #2,099
The Minorka Story: In Which The Cat Comes Back, Sort Of, To Ill Effect
Well, folks, things down the street at the Minorka house were pretty quiet for a couple of weeks, aside from the day when Horace Minorka decided to dismantle his traitorous lawnmower with a 9 pound sledgehammer.
Minnie Minorka has been okay now that she has some light medication, but she’s pretty much watching nothing but a mix of Bigfoot Hunters, Ancient Aliens and religious channels on television. I hear she listens to Coast To Coast AM every night, too.
Like I said, everything was pretty quiet, but then a cat who looked like, but was not, their former cat Moe, came around. As you no doubt recall, poor Moe was tangled up with Mr. Minorka and his lawnmower during the Alien Bigfoot Jesus affair. Scared, and kind of a dangerous cat anyway, he clawed and bit the shit out of old Horace and did a good number on the face of surly Officer Hank, which only made him more surly.
Anyway, this cat wanders into the Minorka’s front yard and Minnie thinks it’s a sign from God. Mind you, she tends to thing that about pretty much everything now.
According to their neighbors, she cried out “Praise be! The Lord has sent Moe back to us!” The cat, whose name was not Moe, paid her no mind. On the other hand, Horace, who had been replacing the air filter on their Dodge, started so badly that he whacked his head on the hood of the car. This upped his temper to around 15 on the 1 to 10 scale. Mind you, Horace pretty much always simmers around a 6.
With a cry of “That goddamn cat!”, Horace threw a crescent wrench at the cat, who deftly dodged it and wisely began strolling off the property with a dismissing twitch of his tail. That only pissed Horace off more, so he started running toward the cat. Sadly, or humorously, as the case may be, he did not see the wet spot caused by Minnie dropping the hose as she praised Jesus.
Eyewitnesses say that old Minorka did a perfect backflip and landed right in the wet spot, knocking the wind out of him. Minnie, running to either stop Horace or save the cat who was not Moe, managed to knock over the cheap plastic birdbath Horace had bought her 5 years earlier on her birthday. This not only drenched Horace with water, it landed right on his crotch. At that point, he stopped yelling, which spectators agreed was a fine thing.
Minnie kept on going after the cat, who now decided that he had better split the scene much faster. He ran off into the big patch of cactus over by the power substation and was gone. This caused Minnie to start babbling about Jesus wandering the desert. She was half undressed by the time Officer Judy arrived. The EMTs arrived a few minutes later and medicated both Minorkas.
The cat has not been seen since that day.
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The Doclopedia #2,100
The Minorka Story: In Which We Learn That Gun Safety Is Important If You Are Horace Minorka
Some of you may or may not remember my stories of our down the street neighbors, Mr & Mrs Minorka. Well, they are going to be moving to Florida soon, we think. I mean, they WANT to, but since the “hologram incident”, Mrs Minorka has become a firm believer that Bigfoot is a ghost, an alien, and probably Jesus. This has caused her to start acting very strange sometimes. And by “sometimes”, I mean all the time.
Mr Minorka, never one to be called calm and reasonable when under pressure, or not, has been a pudgy balding powder keg. He has developed a hatred toward lawnmowers, cats, Bigfoot, cacti and pretty much anyone that gets within 30 feet of his front yard. He’s not too big on Jesus or aliens, either. The police have stopped by their house several times.
Their cat, Moe, ran off during the above hologram debacle and their dog Jeff was sent to live with the Minorka’s daughter, Jean, a nice lady who lives in Elk Grove with her husband and kids. Moe is living with the Sabata family about 4 blocks from here.
Anyway, tonight both the cops and the paramedics were at the Minorka home because Mrs M apparently saw 5 raccoons, one of whom was taller and blue, dancing atop the back fence. Moments before she underwent one of her “seized by the power of Jesus” moments, she called out to her husband. By the time he got their, all he saw was a Savannah cat on the fence, licking her paw.
According to their next door neighbor, Mr. O’Malley, who was grilling burgers in his back yard and wishing the Minorkas had moved out months ago, Mr M yelled “THERE AIN’T NO FUCKING RACCOONS, BUT THERE’S A FUCKING CAT!”, then ran out into the back yard a couple of minutes later with his shotgun.
The cat in question was long gone, but that became a secondary concern when Mr M tripped, fell, and discharged both barrels of the scatter gun into and through the back fence, hitting the police car of Officer Hank, a man of little humor who had dealt with the Minorkas before and had the facial scars (from their former cat, Moe) to prove it.
Meanwhile, inside the house, those darned dancing raccoons were dancing about merrily and telling Mrs M, who was by now speaking in tongues and removing her clothing, that she should relax and party with them. This did not help things at all. No, not at all.
The raccoons wisely split the scene when they heard the sirens on the cop cars and ambulances. Officer Judy, another veteran of Minorka incidents and a far nicer person and cop than Officer Hank, entered the house and, after determining that that the now buck naked Mrs M was not carrying a firearm, began helping the medics get her under control. By then, Mrs M was quoting from the Book of Revelations, amended to include dancing raccoons.
Now, on the other side of the Minorka’s back fence is a hospital emergency room where there are often police units and the accompanying police. Tonight was no exception, which is why after Mr M accidentally shot a cop car, three big fully armed cops came over that fence while 4 more came through the side gate. Seeing 7 guns pointed at him, Mr M lost bladder control, then gave himself up.
Things have calmed down now, although 50 or 60 people are gathered around watching and discussing the latest “Minorka blow up”. Mr M is handcuffed and in a cop car. Mrs M is pumped full of tranqs and will be staying over at the hospital in the Psyche Ward.
Several people are making bets on how long it will be before the Minorkas actually do move to Florida. Mr O’Malley and other neighbors close by are taking up a collection to help them move as soon as possible.
In other news, nobody but the Minorkas has seen a raccoon or a Savannah cat recently.
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