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The Doclopedia #2,101
The Minorka Story: In Which Mr. Minorka Shuts Out The World, But Not His Wife
Our Story Thus Far: After spending a couple of nights in jail (Mr Minorka) and a couple of nights under psychiatric evaluation (Mrs Minorka), they were allowed to come home.
Our court system being so clogged with cases, Horace got a fast hearing in night court, where he was issued a pretty stiff fine and told to pay damages. He also has to attend 6 weeks of anger management classes. Most of his neighbors have little faith in the effectiveness of such classes.
Minnie was given a whole bunch of medication and a therapist who would visit her at home twice a week. Her first day home, her pastor, a nice old guy that she had been looking at with doubt after the Alien Bigfoot Jesus incident, came by for a visit. Sadly, Minnie was too whacked out on drugs to hear the word of Regular Human Jesus.
I’ll finish this recap by saying both Minorkas were also “strongly advised” by the police to stay at home unless there was an emergency.
So that’s why, just three days ago, Ol’ Horace had some guys come and put up an 8 foot tall fence around his property, install security cameras, put out livetraps for “god damned cats and raccoons”, and deliver about a month or more amount of groceries. Basically, Horace built his own little prison.
That same day, Mrs Vang, their elderly Vietnamese neighbor across the street, started taking bets on how long before the cops would be back at the Minorka Prison. I put a fiver on 2 days.
As it turned out, it took 5 days before things things went both sideways and upside down.
It all started when Minnie’s therapist asked her if she and Horace were having sex regularly. Upon hearing that the answer was no because Horace sometimes has the will, but not the ability, the therapist prescribed some of those blue pills and suggested they give it a go. I figure she was trying to help both of them release tension and get their minds off recent events. If she had known where that was going to lead, she would have just suggested masturbation.
From the various bits and pieces that I’ve been able to put together, things went down like this.
The first night went well, with Horace back to full functionality and both of them enjoying themselves.
The second night went well, too. In fact, it went so well that Minnie cut back on a couple of her meds without telling anyone.
A couple of nights later, during the heat of passion, Minnie is just getting her orgasm when she see’s the dancing raccoons and Bigfoot Jesus outside the bedroom window.
A word of full disclosure here: the raccoons in question were my grandson, Brownie and his best friend Omar. “Bigfoot” was, in fact, my gorilla granddaughter, Cupcake, who was chasing them off and would later lock them both on a cage for being “a couple of ringtailed dickheads”.
Anyway, the sight of Bigfoot Jesus and his raccoons along with getting her rocks off caused Minnie’s religious delusions to cut trough her now less effective meds the way Batman cuts through a bunch of cheap crooks.
It also, according to what was overheard by a neighbor as they loaded Horace into an ambulance a couple of days later, was a signal for Minnie that sex was the way to enlightenment.
What happened over the next few days was that Minnie, now energized by religious fervor, became a wild woman. Horace, empowered by modern pharmaceuticals, was at first happy to do his part. It was only when his body started saying “DUDE! WE ARE NOT 25 ANYMORE!” that he tried to tell Minnie no. By the time the police and EMTs arrived a day later, Horace had locked himself in a bathroom.
In the end, Minnie spent two weeks in the Psych Ward, Horace spent 12 days in the hospital for exhaustion and “very severe chafing, and their four children decided to keep an eye on them until the courts allowed them to move to Florida.
That should take place in about 2 weeks. Until then, Horace is sleeping in their guest room.
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The Doclopedia #2,102
The Minorka Story: In Which The Minorkas Leave For Florida
Sasha: Hey, Daddy, the Minorkas are moving!
Me: Really? The special plea to release them from home confinement must have gone through.
Sasha: Yeah, Mrs. M is doing much better with her new meds and Mr. M is medicated to control his temper. There are two big U Haul trucks loaded with their shit about ready to pull out. According to their grandson, they sold the house to Mr M’s nephew. He’s about 40, from Bakersfield, has a wife and three kids. 17 year old rebellious daughter, 14 year old game geek son, 13 year old science geek daughter. The grandson didn’t seem to think much of him.
Me: Well, maybe things will improve with Horace & Minnie gone. I mean, at the very least the cops and EMTs will catch a break.
At this point, Cupcake, Brownie and friends, all wearing invisibility cloaks, enter the house with a news update.
Cupcake: Oh boy, the new Minorkas are real winners! He pulled up in his humongous SUV wearing a MAGA hat and a Q Anon t-shirt. His wife, who is failing bad at making anyone think she is 30, was wearing an anti-vaxxer t-shirt. I heard one of the other relatives say he’s a loud mouthed asshole and she’s a nut.
Brownie: Horace told the new guy that they’d better not miss a payment or they’d be out on their asses. New Mr Minorka told him not to worry. Minnie told them that if the dancing raccoons showed up to send them to the new address. The new Mrs M asked a neighbor if they knew a good place to buy essential oils.
Cupcake: The 17 year old daughter said quietly that her parents were batshit crazy and somebody should kill her now. I like her. Anyway, Horace & Minnie got in a car with their son & daughter in law and left. The new Trumpistas are moving their stuff in as we speak.
Sasha: So, we traded a couple of regular wackos for a couple of goofy MAGAts. Wonderful.
Brownie: I may have 1 or 15 ideas for how to deal with them.
Me: As do I, Blue, as do I. Jeeves, bring us each a milkshake. There’s a new pair of walking targets in town.
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