…co-starring her long lost Uncle Otis Q. Spackleworth
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The Doclopedia #2,103
The Minorka Story: In Which The OTHER Minorkas Taste The Strangeness
It’s been 2 weeks since Horace & Minnie Minorka left for Florida and I’m told that they are now in Gainesville and doing well in their new home.
Walt & Debbie, the NEW Minorkas in our neighborhood, have already either pissed off or alienated about half the neighborhood. Mostly this happened because Walt is a typical Trump supporter and Debbie is a nutcase full of “useful information” that nobody wants to hear. Their next door neighbor, Jeff O’Malley, a pretty right leaning guy himself, told me that “these two are beginning to make me miss Horace & Minnie.” That right there is saying something, since he threw a big party when they left.
Four days ago, Walt laughed at Grace as she was wearing a mask while walking Sasha. Unfortunately for him, Grace was carrying her wand, so she hit him with a Stupify spell and kept on walking. Later, Sasha snuck back and hit him with a dose of medication resistant jock itch and impotence.
But, of course, our family does nothing by halves, so we began to pile on the strangeness. First off, we started hitting them with robocalls from the “Democratic National Congress”, “Nancy Pelosi For Vice President” and “The George Soros Project”. We made sure these calls only came when Walt was home. At one point, he got so mad he threw his cell phone out the door and onto the street where Officer Hank ran over it.Officer Hank, a Trump supporter himself, was not amused.
For Debbie, we had her see several adverts online for expensive vitamins and organic plant alternatives for everything from her desire to look younger than she is to Walt’s recent loss of a working weenie. It took her less than 12 hours to rack up a 700 dollar bill. We shipped her a bunch of random vitamins that we bought at Target. When Walt found out how much she had spent, he went ballistic, but he still took the male enhancement pills.
We also stoked Walt’s paranoia by having him see some small drones with cameras. He really began freaking out about that. Then we had a black helicopter fly over their house. That night, we had two guys in a car (Brownie & I) drive by and take pictures.
As of today, Debbie has become a member of a Facebook group that advocates yoga as a way to speak with “ancient entities”. Tomorrow, one of them will speak to her.
This is turning out to be fun!
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The Doclopedia #2,104
The Minorka Story : In Which Our Neighborhood Becomes Minorka Free
On our evening walk a few days ago, Sasha and I were passing by the house that used to belong to Mr & Mrs Minorka when we saw the teenage daughter out front sitting in her car.
Me: Hi, Jen.
Jen: Hi, Mr Cross. Hi, Sasha.
Me: Wassup, Jen?
Jen: I think we’re going to move again. MAGADAD is convinced that George Soros or Obama or Antifa is spying on us and gonna come take his guns or make us all gay or some shit.
Me: What the hell set him off?
Jen: Who knows? All I know is that he’s been buying tons of jock itch meds and I think he’s not doing right by Mom in the sack. Of course, she’s freaking out that the global vaccine monopoly is sneaking vaccine into our food. She was told that by some ancient ghost or some alien or something. Oh, and they both swore that one night coming home from some Trump Supporter meeting, they saw Jerry Brown in the front yard. He was holding a raccoon.
Me: Jesus, they are losing it, aren’t they.
Jen: Yeah, for sure. Not sure where they think we’ll move to. They spent all the savings fixing up this house and buying goofy vitamins and conspiracy books and donating to the Orange Dickwad. I’m thinking I might load up my sibs and take them to my grandparent’s house in Marin county.
Me: Probably a good idea, but leave an obvious clue that you went somewhere else, to throw them off. Maybe back east.
Jen: Great idea. My aunt & uncle live in Austin, Texas. My dad calls Austin a comminst hippie hellhole and my aunt & uncle call Dad a Trump humping tool. Yeah, I’ll make them think we went there.
Yesterday, Walt & Debbie came home and found a note from Jen saying she had loaded up her sibs and grabbed the emergency money from the cookie jar. Today, they announced that they were heading to Texas and told a realtor to sell the house ASAP.
So now our neighborhood is Minorka free.
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