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The Doclopedia #2,120
When Lulu Spilled Her Purse: The Emergency Panties Emergency
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At the tender age of 16, young Max Walker had very little up close experience with women or their panties. Not that he was bad looking, he wasn’t. It was mostly his shyness and geeky way that had kept him from dating much, let along doing anything that would end up with panties on his face. The fact that, despite being a dangerous klutz, Lulu was quite beautiful, did not exactly cause Max to go into Smooth Dude mode.
He barely retained enough wits to hand her back her Emergency panties, which happened to be black, lacy and very small. As he did, he saw from the corner of his eye Melody Profky coming out of Tates Stationary. She saw him and was looking at his interaction with Lulu.
Oddly, both of them were ignoring the mounting chaos going on around them.
“Oh, thank you so much for everything! I thought I had lost them,” Lulu said in a somewhat breathless voice. “You are just wonderful!” Then she gave Max a big hug and a kiss, because Lulu was just that sort of person.
As Lulu then started off down the street after more of her stuff, Max had the presence of mind to say, “Always glad to help a lady in need.”
A few feet away, Melody began to think that maybe there was more to Max than met the eye. She also began thinking that maybe a nice guy like Max might be the one to help her explore the more intimate aspects of boy/girl relations.
So it was that, after a bit of small talk and dodging three cops chasing a small kid riding a goat, she mentioned to Max that she was going to be home all alone and maybe he’d like to stop by for a visit.
Max, though being a nerdy fellow, was no dummy, so he told her yes and got her address. She said she would see him in 30 minutes.
As he watched her walk away while dodging a runaway fruit cart, a bunch of kids & winos & dogs, and more cops, it suddenly dawned on him that he had no condoms. He would have to get to Akbar’s Pharmacy fast!
Taking off down 15th Street at a dead run, as quite a few people seemed to be doing, Max dodged or leaped over assorted fights, arrests, huddled frightened people, assorted animals and several police & firefighters. Off to his right, he noticed a bunch of people tripping and falling on Willow Avenue, but he was in too big a hurry to investigate.
As he rounded the corner to Oak Street, he saw a group of SCA members, in full armor and carrying their weapons, being chased by a bunch of ladies in red hats and an ice cream truck. He made a mental note to ask D’Andre Blake, a member of the SCA, about all that.
As he ran toward the pharmacy, he accidentally brushed up against Mr Loofinger, who was riding a bike and trying to outrun an angry pig. Max kept on running and therefore did not see Mr Loofinger wreck his bike and land on the hood of Mary Joffencarp’s car.
Mary, a nervous woman of 40 who often told folks that the commies wanted to abduct her for breeding stock, panicked as a strange and no doubt communist man leaped onto her car, obviously intent on hauling her away to Siberia. That explains why she stomped on the gas and flew down Oak Street with a yelling Mr Loofinger on her hood and two motorcycle cops and a pig in hot pursuit. The pursuit was short due to Mary colliding with a runaway fruit cart, sending Mr Loofinger into a mass of grapes, melons, plums and bananas. About a minute later, the pig arrived and began attacking him as the police dragged a very defensive and loud Mary from her car.
Meanwhile, Max dodged a burning scarecrow on a skateboard and a group of Cub Scouts in a stolen pickup as he arrived at the pharmacy. Despite being nervous about buying a pack of condoms, Max was back on the street and at Melody’s doorstep in record time, despite having to step aside for a cattle stampede.
What transpired for Max & Melody I will leave to your imaginations, but back on 15th & Willow, Lulu had spilled breath mints all over.
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The Doclopedia #2,121
When Lulu Spilled Her Purse: The Breath Mint Massacre
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By far the largest and most dangerous thing in Lulu’s purse, at least on the day in question, was her one quart zip lock bag of breath mints.
Now, these were not your ordinary breath mints, no sir. These mints are made over in Spankerville by the Deffing Candy Company and they are expensive, but worth it.
About the size of an ordinary marble, these very hard candies look and eat more like jawbreakers. Each fruity/minty layer takes a good 10 or 15 minutes to through and there are about 40 layers in each one. Every layer has a different flavor mix and one mint will last you several hours.
Lulu had about 200 of the mints in her purse and was quite dismayed as they rolled out into the intersection of 15th & Willow. Not as dismayed as the humans, animals and drivers of smaller vehicles would be in a few seconds, but pretty dismayed all the same. That was about thirty bucks worth of mints lost.
Having picked up her hankie, which was the final spilled item, then looked around at all the chaos, Lulu started walking home via Jones Street, which was pretty free of chaos, with the exception of Mr Warf and Mr Plumquist arguing about whether this was a sign of the End Times or if everyone in town but them had gone crazy from that legalized reefer.
Back at the intersection which was now a veritable minty minefield, people were falling, animals were falling (including a herd of dairy cows) and three subcompact cars had skidded off the road, one of then driving through the new glass doors on the police station.
Bill Heffer slipped, fell and threw his big cup of soda on Officer Yambo, causing her to step on the foot of a large alley cat, who then clawed up the officer pretty well.
A mixed gang of kids and goats fell & slid right into Iskinoff’s Fine Glassware and Yuri Iskinoff will probably be crying and cursing about that for weeks.
Mr Loofinger, covered in fruit pulp and pig bites, was running up the street trying to get away from swarms of bees and flies when he slipped and fell right on top of the pig that had attacked him earlier. From there, things went even worse for Mr Loofinger
About 15 minutes later, the Sheriff’s Department, the State Police and the National Guard arrived, cordoned off downtown and began sorting things out. They let the last person go home around two in the morning.
They never did figure out what had started the Great Forlyburg Riot of 2009.
Three days later, the new purse Lulu had ordered online arrived. She was very pleased with it.
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