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The Doclopedia #2,118

When Lulu Spilled Her Purse: The Lipstick Panic

If there was one thing you could count on Lulu Smelm to be, it was clumsy. This was a young woman who, by the time she was 13, had walked into 9 different glass doors, fallen down 7 different stairways and caught her nose in 4 different car windows. Fortunately, Lulu was pretty resilient and a rapid healer. Unfortunately, many times, her accidents had a way of growing into larger events and involving other people.

So it was on August 11^th, 1990, when Lulu spilled her purse on the corner of 15^th Street and Willow Avenue at high noon during the very start of the lunch hour rush.

Several items spilled from her purse, but the first one we’ll focus on is her Cherry Passion lipstick. As Lulu bent to pick things up, a fast walking businessman, Mr Henry Barstflartle, stepped on it and fell backwards into several other people. They all fell backward onto the sidewalk.

The lipstick, propelled by Henry’s foot, flew into the air, bounced off a light pole and into the parked car of Mr & Mrs Denmont, who were just crossing the street to get into said car after having a very tense session with their marriage counselor.

Now, Clara Denmont was a large and emotional woman, with her main emotions being anger and jealousy. Getting into her husband’s car and seeing a strange lipstick on the floor turned both of those emotions up to about 15. She grabbed up the offending lipstick and demanded that Eustace tell her what little tramp had lost it. Eustace, being a pretty angry fellow in his own right, told her he didn’t know what she was talking about and maybe she should shut the hell up.

About 2 seconds later, there was a full on knock down drag out fight going on in the Denmont car, which caught the eye of Officer Reyes as he drove by. Actually, the lipstick also caught his eye because Clara threw it out of their car.

Suddenly getting hit in the eye caused Officer Reyes to slam on his breaks, resulting in a rear end collision. Actually, it was a chain reaction of 8 rear end collisions. Getting out of his car, Officer Reyes called for backup because of the traffic pile up and what looked like a drunken brawl on the sidewalk and an officer assault/double attempted homicide in a car.

Back on the sidewalk, people were trying to get up after falling down earlier. As the last one stood up, they saw about 6 cop cars and 10 police on foot running toward them. Combine that with the crashing of cars and the Denmont’s screaming and they thought there was a violent riot going on, so they ran.

Within a few seconds, there were about 100 people running down Willow Avenue, with several cops in pursuit. Back at the rear enders, there was a lot of cursing. At the Denmont’s car, it took 5 officers to pry Clara & Eustace apart and arrest them.

Meanwhile, Lulu was looking for her coin purse.

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The Doclopedia #2,119

When Lulu Spilled Her Purse: The Coinpurse Chaos

Having picked up a couple of things that fell out of her purse, Lulu saw her coin purse a couple of feet away. Reaching for it, she managed to stumble forward and head butt old Father Milligan right in the crotch, racking his balls. This caused him to cry out a very bad word that did not go unheard by the 7 parish boys that had been following him to the church for choir practice. Nor did they fail to notice that two silver dollars fell out of Lulu’s coin purse and were rolling down the sidewalk toward a bunch of Baptist boys on the corner by the comic shop.

Running to save the money from their non-Catholic rivals, the boys started yelling at the others to leave the money alone. That caused them to yell back to fuck off and before you know it, a big fight was going on.

This fight caused a couple of cops to come running, which caused the boys to run into the comic shop to head out the back door. Their yells of “Look out, COPS!” caused about half the comic geeks to join them. As they ran down the alley behind the comic shop, they were joined by about 3 winos, 5 dogs and crazy old Mrs Trotwiffle, who started yelling that the aliens had landed.

A few seconds later, when they all poured out onto Oak Street, they caused 3 more traffic accidents and a couple of dog bites.

Back at Lulu’s location, Father Milligan was doing better and rushed off to find the boys. A nice young teenager picked up the two silver dollars and took them back to Lulu, who was thanking him profusely when a big gust of wind picked up her Emergency Panties and blew them right onto the teenager’s face.