…and a dame. Gotta have a dame.
The Doclopedia #3,528
Insects & Violence: ANTS!
Gentlemen, ladies, I’m here to give you all the information we have concerning these huge ants and their attacks so far.
The first attack came in India, where they wiped an entire village of 400 people and an unknown amount of livestock right off the face of the earth. The attack came at 3:00 in the morning and if it had not been for two young lovers and their videos of the attack before they escaped on a motorcycle, nobody would have believed it.
The next attack came an hour later in a town in Nigeria. Same sort of ants, same overwhelming wave after wave of them, but many more survivors and much more video.
Since then, attacks have taken place in Greece, Spain, Russia, Scotland, Canada, and here in the United States. We have unconfirmed reports coming out of Cuba, Brazil, and New Zealand.
These ants look like a species of soldier ant, but are the size of large dogs. They have poison stings and very powerful cutting and crushing mouthparts. They can also release clouds of formic acid that burn the eyes and cause choking. Contrary to rumors they are not bullet or fire proof. It’s just hard to stop hundreds of ants with guns or improvised incendiary devices.
As to where they come from, they burst out of the ground in multiple locations around each target. Several drones have been sent down tunnels, but just a few yards in, the tunnels collapse. We know that the ants do take a few bodies with them when they retreat, but none larger than a small child or a medium sized dog. Poison gas has been pumped into the tunnels, but indications are that the tunnels are blocked about 100 feet in.
Now the big question: Are these ants intelligent? Scientists say that it looks as though they are. Possibly near human intelligence, but we’ll need to capture a few to determine for sure. Teams are being assembled to…excuse me a moment.
It seems that attacks are happening right now in New York, Tokyo, Mexico City, Adelaide, and Jerusalem. Sargeant, let’s get the satellite video going.
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