…Bwahahahahahaha!
The Doclopedia #3,532
Mad, Bad, And Dangerous To Know: Emily Venom
(A tip of the old bandana to Caroline King for inspiring this theme.)
Most people know Emily Venom as one of the three founding members of the punk band Rapid Bloodloss. She was an accomplished guitarist, singer, songwriter, and, when necessary, asskicker.
She was also a were-spider and cannibal. Not everyone bitten by a radioactive spider gets to swing through New York City fighting supervillains.
We’d like to say that Emily fought against her monthly nighttime transformations, which occurred with her menstrual cycle, and felt overwhelming guilt. But she didn’t. In fact, she looked forward to it.
Once she changed, Emily would become a black widow spider the size of a Volswagon Bug. Then she’d go find a Nazi skinhead, or a corrupt cop, or some other sleazy man, kill him with her venomous bite, then inject him with her saliva which would liquify their internal organs. A few minutes later, it was dinner time.
Over several years, Emily dispatched nearly 4,000 bad guys, causing terror among the male population in several countries. She was having the time of her life and the band was doing great. Then in 1991, things took a turn for the worse. She started feeling the need to reproduce.
The big problem was that, so far as she knew, there were no male were-spiders in the world. She took time off from the band and searched everywhere, to no avail. All the while, her hormones in both her forms were going crazy. This was affecting her already razor thin grasp on sanity in her human form.
On June 17th, 1991, in the middle of the day, while motorcycling down the freeway in Los Angeles, she started to change, causing her to crash her bike. Within moments, there was a huge traffic pileup in the southbound lanes. Emily ran to escape.
Right into the northbound lanes, where she got hit by a speeding truck and squashed into a hundred gooey pieces. Within hours, the news was proclaiming that the “Spider Killer” had been identified and her reign of terror was over.
That is, until men all over Asia started turning up headless and naked after recent sex.
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