…from the November, 1888 issue
Damn! Still just the one 365 post:(
The Doclopedia #110
This is what happens when foodies go terribly wrong.
The Rise Of The…: Cannibals!
Alright, listen up! Welcome to the United Nations Anti-Cannibal Training Camp. You are all here because you are the best of the asskicking best and, even more importantly, you are all vegetarians.
My name is Major Carl Winlow and it is my job to give you this overview of the history of the cannibal threat and a brief look at the nature of the enemy. After this little session, you will spend the next two weeks in intensive training so you may play your part in wiping these flesh eating freaks off the face of the Earth.
We know that it was in 2008 that the first restaurant serving human flesh opened in New York City. The restaurant, Fava, was mostly your normal upscale eating establishment with the exception of having a secret menu available to very select customers. This menu offered traditional Italian and French dishes that utilized human flesh in place of pork, beef or lamb. Prices were sky high, which only made it more attractive to wealthy foodies looking for a secret kinky thrill.
As such things always do, this spawned a series of as many as 60 similar restaurants worldwide. At first, care was taken to only use the healthiest people, often by enticing suicidal or mentally ill folks into killing themselves. However, as with any food industry situation, higher demand and greed for more profits lead to less well screened meat entering the food chain.
The first outbreaks of the Cannibal Virus took place in Beijing, China in late 2011 and was made worse because the tainted meat was served to a group of international billionaire foodies and their guests. Days later, they had spread back across the globe. A week or so after that, they became ravenous for human flesh and began indulging themselves regardless of cost or security. By the end of the year, there were thousands of infected people in New York alone. And then, as we say back home, the crap hit the propeller.
By summer 2012, an estimated 5% of people worldwide were infected. By the fall, that was up to 12%. Panic was rampant and all of the functions of commerce and government were disrupted. Paranoia, predictably, was even more rampant. In December of 2012, the United Nations unanimously authorized the creation of this camp and a dozen more just like it.
Right now, the worldwide cannibal population seems to have leveled off at 15%. We are winning, but I’ll be honest and tell you it is damned slow going. Work on a vaccine continues, but that’s going even slower.
Now let’s move on to the cannibals themselves. First off, they are not goddamned zombies! They are alive as you or me. But let’s go with a comparison of the two for a bit here.
Zombies: Only killed by a shot to the head or other extreme disruption to the brain.
Cannibals: Any shot that’ll kill you will kill them, but once they’re down, finsh them off with a head shot anyway.
Zombies: Depending upon the source, are either slow and not terribly strong or fast as hell and strong as a bull.
Cannibals: As fast and strong as a person of their particular body development might normally be. A young cannibal in good shape is a hell of a lot more dangerous that a 50 year old obese cannibal.
Zombies: Nearly mindless to pretty cunning. Not generally tool users or problem solvers.
Cannibals: Lower than normal intelligence once the virus get them, but still damned cunning and able to do many things and use many tools and devices. Cannibals can drive cars, but not really well. They can’t fly planes. They can use guns and other weapons.
Zombies: Eventually fall apart or get eaten by maggots and such.
Cannibals: Alive and can heal up as well as we can, despite not generally being able to get medical attention.
Zombies: Reproduce my biting the living.
Cannibals: Do the same thing, but can also reproduce naturally. Fortunately, most tend to eat their young, who do not seem to be born cannibals, but become that way by about age 6.
Zombies: Recognizable because they stink of decomposition and look like ratted corpses.
Cannibals: Recognizable by dirty and disheveled appearance, but mostly by their bright red tongues & gums and the pink mottling found on their faces and hands.
Well, that wraps up this introductory session. In a moment, Doctor Hellenvald and Professor Donoghue will be here to give you a more in depth look at cannibal physiology and behavior. Good luck, soldiers and good hunting.
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