…knives are neutral
The Doclopedia #170
The Infinite Doc: Doc, Boy Wizard
On one of the Earths where magic exists in secret, young Doc Cross was born to parents who were both wizards. A few months later, they were killed by a very evil wizard who wanted to rule the world and then kill all of the non-wizardly humans. When he tried to kill the baby Doc though, his spell backfired and he only killed himself. About 14 years later, he got better and wanted revenge.
During those 14 years, young Doc was raised by an assortment of relatives, some magically endowed, some not, but all of them ornery and not apt to take shit from anybody. By the time he entered wizards school at age 11, young Doc was a wizard of some considerable power already and he was determined to find the evil wizards who had betrayed his parents and helped the Lord of Darkness.
The Lord of Darkness kept trying to return to a physical form, but Doc kept thwarting him. He and his friends were also killing off various evil wizards at a fairly impressive rate, almost always without the use of magic so as not to run afoul of the World Council on the Use Of Magic. Interestingly, a high caliber bullet or a tasteless and odorless fast acting poison will take out a wizard just as quickly as it will a non-wizard.
Eventually, when Doc was 15, the Lord of Darkness returned to the physical world, ready to start his world conquest plan anew…after he killed that annoying boy wizard. Despite only having four devoted followers left, he set a trap for Doc. Sure enough, when Doc wandered into the clearing in the Haunted Woods, the Lord of Darkness and his three followers appeared in a circle around him.
Note that we said three followers. That’s because the fourth betrayed his Dark Lordliness by informing Doc of the trap. He knew which way the wind was blowing.
And so, before the evil son of a bitch could so much as raise his wand, he was hit by Excruciating Pain spells from the wands of 104 of Doc’s friends and relatives, who had been hiding behind cloaking spells. The other three evil wizards were turned to stone, then sand, then glass by well placed spells. At that point, Doc hit each of them with a 16 pound sledge hammer. Adios, evil followers.
As the Lord of Darkness writhed and screamed in pain, Doc took away his wand, amulets, rings and clothing. He then cast a spell that canceled out the Excruciating Pain spells, but not before casting one other spell upon the wizard. Free of the pain, the wizard jumped up and tried to teleport away, but found that he couldn’t. That’s when Doc told him that he had cast the most forbidden of all spells upon him: the near mythical Demagicking Curse, which permanently stripped a wizard of all his magical powers. The former Lord of Darkness nearly went mad when he heard that.
But he REALLY went stark raving bark at the moon mad when Doc told him that he had found all of the items the wizard had hidden pieces of his soul in. Deducting for a few Doc had destroyed years earlier, that left 5, including the piece that had been imparted to Doc himself accidentally. Doc said that the former scumbag (who was so evil people were afraid to say his name) was still death free as long as those pieces remained intact and he had hidden each of them in a new and very dangerous location. He wished the now totally human and totally insane man a nice day, handed him a map of where to find the first clue to the location of the first item and then he and all his family and friends teleported away for a big celebratory party.
When, a week later, the World Council on the Use Of Magic came to arrest Doc for using forbidden magic, using magic underage and 57 other counts, he felt obliged to point out that not only had a 15 year old boy taken out the Lord of Darkness and his entire gang, he also knew the Demagicking Curse and had a shitload of very loyal friends and relatives and maybe the Council would rather just say thank you and then fuck off. After a rather brief discussion, the Council decided to just give him a stern warning and then fuck off.
Years later, Doc married his school sweetheart and they had 7 kids. He died at the ripe old age of 362, a much beloved figure in the wizard world.
541 years after Doc’s death, an insane old former wizard finally located the resting place of the last piece of his soul, a small ceramic heart, under a rock on the surface of the moon. After great and precise preparation he destroyed it, but he did not die. Instead, inside the ceramic heart was a note that read: “Did you REALLY think you’d get off this easy?”
In space, no one can hear you scream, but he sure tried.
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