…not as part of the pudding
Critter Con 14
Trip Day 5: In which we are in Texas and encounter nuts with guns, visit one hell of a wood carver, chow down on barbecue, and visit Cowboy Jesus.
Our Tuesday morning breakfast behind us, we were walking out of the Big Texan Steak Ranch & Brewery when 3 big SUVs pulled into the parking lot and a dozen military cosplaying MAGA nitwits, all carrying their beloved AR-15s and other firearms as part of the whole FREEDUMB package.
They looked at the Bus, then looked at us and said, “Is this yours?”
Before I could say anything, Cupcake said, “We’ll handle this, Grandpa”, and told the Gravy Seals (the slimmest of whom were as fat as me) that yes, it was ours.
The girls, whose human bodies looked about 20, one African American, one white, walked toward the gun nuts, and one of them asked if we were from California. Again, they told them yes.
At that point, Mary asked if they’d be okay, to which I answered, “Just watch. This will be good.” Grace and Sam were already recording events on their cameras.
“Well what the hell are you doing in Texas, Missy?”
By now Cakes & Tuck were right in the middle of that sea of stupid and the guys were moving in way too close.
They smiled and, in unison, said, “Fucking up MAGAts!”
And then Cakes punched the biggest guy so hard she knocked him into the doofus behind him and they both went down. Tuck leaped straight up and kicked two guys in the face. I’m pretty sure I heard a jawbone break from 60 feet away.
About 8 seconds later, all 12 of the Idiot Squad were either knocked out or too fucked up to do more than moan and cry. Cakes and Tuck then spent a few minutes gathering up all the guns and military shit and putting it in a pile.
As they finished, five cop cars rolled in and a total of 9 cops got out, guns drawn and pointed at the girls. At that point, I spoke up.
“Hey, officers, a couple of things. First, those two young ladies just beat the shit out of 12 armed men. Second, we got everything on video, including you right now. Third, I’m gonna neuralize you because we have places to be and I don’t feel like fucking around.
One flash later are the cops were arresting the Gravy Seals for drunk & disorderly conduct, plus a couple of other charges. They thanked us for our help and we left.
Back on the bus and in their proper bodies, Cupcake & Tucker agreed that they had not had that much fun since “that night in Lisbon”. They did not elaborate, despite everyone else being curious.
A couple of hours and a game of Bean Trader later, we were in Roosevelt, Texas, at the World Famous Hand Carved House.
The guy doing the carving is Harry Lawson, age 92. He inherited the small house and 300 acre farm from his dad back in 1949. The farm work was hard, but Harry was successful at it. As a relaxation after a hard day’s work, he’s sit and, as he tells it, “carve anything made of wood I could reach”.
In 1955, with a growing family, Harry built a new house, built of heavy wooden boards that were twice as thick as they needed to be. That was so Harry could carve on the house, which he did nearly every day for almost three decades.
This house is incredible. There are all sorts of Western, Texas, Americana, farm, family, and wildlife scenes on every inch of this rather large two story house. Even after 1983, when the house carving was “finished”, Harry kept adding little things. He also did carving on sheds, the two barns, a couple of tree stumps, the mailbox, and a surprising number of fence posts along the road.
The farm now belongs to Harry’s kids, but he and his wife of 73 years, Dotty, still live there and Harry still carves stuff, just “a damn sight slower than before”.
Harry refuses to charge folks to see his carvings, but they do sell souvenirs and a photo book. We bought about 200 bucks worth of stuff.
When we reached San Angelo around lunch time and we all agreed that we wanted barbecue. After a bit of internet looking, we decided upon Little Lu’s Barbecue Heaven, partly because it got great reviews and partly because it is female owned and operated.
I hazard to say we ate a full 20 pounds of brisket, but we came damned close. We also did big damage to all of the provided sides and a fair amount of beverages, including Lone Star beer. Most of our party napped for a couple of hours before we reached our next stop.
And that stop was our second Giant Jesus, the Cowboy Jesus!
Located in the small town of Chips, this is one of the few non-traditional Giant Jesus statues we’ve been to. Old J is wearing jeans, a blue work shirt, boots, cowboy hat, and a big old smile. He stands outside the First Church of God and he’s 80 feet tall. He’s pretty lifelike, if a bit 1960’s advertising looking.
You cannot climb up inside him, mostly because this is the fourth Giant Jesus built here since 1964. The first one got destroyed by a tornado, the second burned down, and the third one got taken out by a drunk driver in a semi. This latest version, built in 1999, is solid concrete, so it will probably be around for a good while. Of course, this being Texas, I would not bet on that.
On the D. Cross Giant Statue Rating Scale, this one rated as follows.
Size: 4 It is 80 feet tall.
Climbability: 0 Spike did suggest to the Reverend Cole that they might consider a metal staircase outside the statue.
Appearance: 7 Lifelike, but not very realistic. Very well maintained.
Pose: 10 Big points for being a friendly Good Old Boy
Religiosity: 5 Kind of hard to get a religious vibe from a cowboy.
We bought t-shirts and then headed on to the KOA (Kampgrounds Of America) about 20 miles from Critter City.
And now it is late and everyone is asleep except me. Tomorrow, we are off to the con and the reportage will be in the capable hands of Cupcake and Tucker.
Starting Destination Sign: Latveria
Ending Destination Sign: Cimmeria
Radio Station: KBOT, Robot rock!, Earth 398-P
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