The annual review of Subject Lines lies beyond the cut.
When I first started blogging, lo these years ago (on Blogger, then on LJ), I decided that my subject lines would have little or nothing to do with what I intended to write. Just one of my little idiosyncrasies, like not wanting any dishware that matches or drinking almost everything (except beer) through a straw. Once in a while, the subject does match the content, but not very often. Actually, I’m pretty amazed that I’ve managed to keep coming up with gonzo subject lines for all this time. I’m not sure what the count is, but I’d guess near 800. Of course, there have been some recurring characters, but they are never the same twice.
So here it is, my annual look back at all of my Subject Line Titles from the year just past. This year, I’ve gathered them into loose topics. Truth to tell, there’s tons of crossover between the various topics, but this kinda makes things easier. I won’t comment on every single title, but some do get a word or two. I hope y’all enjoy this and if you have any questions about anything, just ask.
ANIMALS
I love animals and in many ways I relate better to them than I do to humans, so it’s only natural that animals will pop into my thoughts when the time comes to pick a Subject Line
The Anoles Of History Just in case you didn’t know, anoles are small lizards, sometimes erroneously called chameleons.
1,000 Naked Redheads And A White Rabbit
It’s All About The Evil Pelicans If you’ve ever looked at a pelican from fairly close up, they do have a kind of evil look in their eye. Probably comes from paranoia about people stealing their fish.
Homicidal Robot Frogs
Spiders In My Head
Cooler Than A Polar Bear’s Buttocks
Attack Of The Martian Kitty Cats
Try It! It’s Dogerrific And Pupalicious! I used to tell this to Roscoe to try and get him to eat dog food. It seldom worked. Can’t blame him, really.
Cats And Dogs Stage Protest…President Bush Used As Scratching Post/Fire Hydrant Now, I’d rather see it be Siberian Tigers and Elephants.
Never Stand On A Rattlesnake’s Head
Santo, The Blue Demon & Roscoe VS The Cat Women From Venus
Dangerous Dogs & Cunning Cats
Bow Wow, Muthafucka!
Tha New Big Dawg In The Hood
The Secret War Between Chickens And Ducks For some reason, I think it
would be pretty damned funny to make this into an animated movie.
Dr. Roscoe, The Napoleon Of Canine Crime
Steampunk Muskrats
We Still Like Monkeys!
Pound That Weasel Flat!
In Dog We Trust
Bring On The Singing Platypi! Singly or in groups, platypi are funny…as are gnus, squid, turkeys and wombats.
Never Give A Chipmunk Beer
War Of The Squirrels
The Parrot Gang Is On The Loose!
Here Come The Screaming Wombats See above comment about platypi.
All Aboard The Funky Monkey Express
Ducks And Stuff On My Mind Again I hope to be able to explain this one sometime in the next month or so.
Going To The Mouse Rodeo
Bring On The Skateboarding Zebras
Green Mice, Yellow Cats, Purple Dogs
The Strange Case Of The Moose Who Knew Too Much This sounds like it would make a pretty good children’s book. Too bad I don’t write kids books.
It’s All About The Happy Frogs
Dogs Driving Cars, Cats Painting Houses
Dog Fun
Tipsy Piglets
Here’s Looking At You, Squid
The Tap Dancing Dingo
Magic Puppy Time
The Lair Of The Purple Prawn
Teenage Mutant Ninja Reindeer
Beware Of The Wicked Kitty Cats And Their Pals
Slippery As A Greased Weasel
Killer Fluffy Bunnies
The Basset Hound Of The Baskervilles There would have been a hell of a lot less terror on the moors if the Hound had been a Basset. Well, unless you were a pork chop or a sausage.
The Cat In The Hat Goes Postal
The Dancing Mice Destroy Tokyo
Pink Laser Bunnies
GARDENING
Ah, gardening…a mistress that, in my case, is both a cunning seductress and a cruel dominatrix. And even as I write this, a stack of seed & nursery catalogs (aka “gardener’s porn”) lies nearby, singing their siren’s song.
The Horticultural Whore Meets His Match
Zen And The Art Of Chicken Tractors For the sustainable agriculture challenged among you, a chicken tractor is pretty much an enclosed chicken run on wheels that you can move around a spot of land, thus utilizing the poultry as bug eaters and fertilizer factories.
The Horticultural Whore Returns…Episode 4: A New Plot
A Day Spent Pimpslapping Weeds
More Fun With The Horticultural Whore
The Dirty Handed Redhead Of Aslin Way Tho I’ve never heard her say it, I’m sure our local Nosy Old Neighbor Lady thinks of me that way when she sees me out gardening.
Grow, My Green Children, Grow!
The Horticultural Whore VS Big Sunny
The Horticultural Whore Does Manhattan
GRACE
My wife, my sweetheart, my partner…and she makes me laugh.
Sweet Kisses From The Green Eyed Hottie
Love And Spiced Peaches In The Land Of The Golden Bear
Grace Does LJ
I Call Her “Tuffy”, Cos She’s So Rough And Tough
She’s That Kooky Gal Of Mine
Squinky And The Old Rascal Go To Mars “Squinky” is one of my nicknames for Grace.
Every Time I Smell Her Hair, The World Goes Away
The Adventures Of SuperSquinky!
WOMEN
Sweet Jesus, I love women. Almost all of my best friends are women…most of my favorite relatives are women…all of my sexual partners have been women…women rock!
The Girl With The Green Nipples
She Was Wearing A Sword And A Smile And Nothing Else Oh, there’s a story behind this one, but I’m not gonna tell it.
She Was Naughty And It Was Nice
The Cinnamon Scented Love Goddess Of Cody, Wyoming She was a hippie cowgirl and the sister of a friend of mine and DAMN, did she smell good.
There Were Flowers In Her Hair And The Ocean In Her Eyes Yet another hippie chick. Not quite as nice smelling but very sweet and…calming.
She Could Cloud Men’s Minds
She’s Got It Bad And That Ain’t Good
MY LIFE
Someday, I swear I’ll write an autobiography. I won’t publish it, but I’ll write it.
The Barefoot Bear Flag Outlaw
The Barefoot Bear Flag Outlaw Returns I can’t really explain this one properly in this limited space, but suffice it to say that it has to do with not only the me that is, but also with a fictional alternate universe Doc.
Gentleman, Scoundrel, Artist, Fool A woman once called me all of these things in a single sentence. I was kind of honored, even tho I’m not really much of an artist.
Comedy Is Easy…DYING Is Hard If this had been any more true during my Wild and Misspent Youth, I’d have had delusions of immortality. Instead, I had delusions of morality:)
It’s Like Living One Life, Only Twice As Complicated And Half As Fun
Never Turn Your Back On A Spanky Goth It’s not what you’re thinking…but it’s not far off.
Ok, So I Borrowed A Cop Car Spider borrowed it, not me…but I did ride in it.
Making Love In The Treehouse Of Doom
Dancing Naked In The Fog Damn, I do miss living in San Francisco.
I’m Mr. Bad Example…
Don’t Listen To Them…They Aren’t Even Real A true quote, spoken by me during an evening of mescaline induced tripping with several real (and even more imaginary) friends back in the day.
Acting Kinda Like A Kid, Only Not.
I Drank The Electric Kool Aid, But Only To Wash Down The Brownies I did both, but not at the same time.
The Mental Sausage Grinder
Sleeping Outside In Coyoteville When I was a kid, we often had a houseful of relatives visiting for most of the summer. Northern California summer nights being the warm and dry things they are, my folks would free up space in the house by putting an old bed up out in our backyard and having several of us kids sleep in it. Now, we lived on a farm way out in the sticks and at night the local fauna would come very near the house. One of my cousins, after sleeping outside once, nicknamed our backyard “Coyoteville”.
Surfing On A Crime Wave
Wild Times In The Treehouse Of Doom
The Smell Of Crushed Roses, The Sound Of The Waves Despite how this sounds, it has nothing to do with romance or sex and everything to do with the stealthy climbing of a rose trellis late at night near Santa Barbera.
He Was Bitchslapped By Love
King Of The Creature Features
Coyote Is My Co-Pilot
I’ll Drive, You Shoot …And Let’s Not Get Each Other Killed
Don’t Make Love On The Beach Yeah, it looks all romantic and passionate in the movies, but you can get the same effect by masturbating with sandpaper…minus the romance and passion.
I Was With Her When She Walked Into The Light
Rattlesnake Alarm Clock
All The Good Girls Want Me A very true quote from my long ago friend, Jessi, who was “mostly a lesbian”.
Mexican Jenny Goes For The Gold Her name was Janet, not Jenny, and she was Swedish/Irish, not Mexican. The nickname arose from her penchant for wearing a sombrero and collecting kitschy Mexican doodads and the fact that her landlady was very hard of hearing.
Finding Things Before They Are Lost
FOOD
I love to cook and I love to eat. Sometimes culinary thoughts mix with Subject Line ideas.
Iron Chef: Screaming Hot Chili Battle When I make chili, I do not fuck around. No beans and plenty of heat, baby!
Beer And Fig Newtons
Thrilling Food Stories
The Doughnut Of Doom And Other Stories
Blue Milkshake I had just finished drinking a blueberry milkshake when I wrote this.
Crab Pudding
Squid Ripple Ice Cream
Mars Needs Pickled Herring!
Bust Out The Rum
Candy Cane Confidential
Cheese Moments Any cheese lover has these…that moment when you first taste a really good cheese and your taste buds do the happy fermented milk dance.
Warm Little Biscuits
Marmoset Marmalade
Frozen Newt On A Stick
A Big Bowl Of Fun Around here, that could be the cook or the meal:)
Squid Paste In A Tube
Ya GOT To Love Cookies!
Lick The Doomsday Popsicle
Chocolate Covered Orgasm Cookies I’m not sure exactly what triggered this particular combination of words, but damn, don’t ya wish you could buy a dozen of them?
Artichoke Alley
Stringbean Theory
Dangerous Gravy
Powered By Guinness
I Shall Do You This Favor, Mr. Turkey
Frog Pie
OFF THE WALL
As George Carlin once said “sometimes shit just pops into your head and you have to get it out to make room for more shit”. My head is a veritable Strange Shit Cleareinghouse.
CSI Toontown
I Left My Spleen In San Francisco Spleens are funny. So are uvulas, rectums and groins.
Sails Are Up, But Prophets Are Down With my luck, some asshole 100 years from now will start a religion based on that sentence.
Fear The Mighty Weaselmobile!
Smackattawackatta
A Million Flying Razors
The Karmic Wheel Is Parked On My Foot That one almost sounds profound…if you’ve had a drink or two.
Paradox Lost
Don’t Pee On The Electric Fence
Follow The Purple Brick Road This is just one of many song/album titles that I’ve twisted around for your amusement.
Pleasant Screams
Slippery When Wet, Slipperier When Dry
Utah, U Came, U Conquered I knew this one was just plain wrong even as I wrote it.
ORIGASMI: The Art Of Folding Paper Into Sex Toys
Nanite Weasels Ripped My Syntheflesh
Red Metal Baby Toy Maybe it’s just me, but these words just seem to roll off the tongue so easily and yet still seem a bit sinister.
Great White Hunter In The Human Jungle
Turn Left At The End Of The World
Warm Fuzzy Mindbending Nightmares
Hit The Fish With a Hammer I’m surprised I didn’t hear from PETA about this one. Oh, wait, fish aren’t cute and furry.
Doing A Bootlegger Reverse At Warp 9
Walking Along The Edge Of Time
The Pod People Go To Paris
Werewolves Of Fresno
Attack Of The Hippies & Geeks
The Large Print Giveth And The Small Print Taketh Away
Water Go Down The Hole!
There Was An Old Hermit Named Dave…
Meanwhile, I’m Still Thinkin’…
Dancin’ In The Dark
What In The World Ever Happened To Sweet Jane?
Exploding Robotic Baby Ducks See comment below.
Small Round Paisley Things That Go “Poing” I ripped off my own work for this one. How’s that for some strange kind of masturbatory plaigerism.
Never Bitchslap A Sasquatch
Walking Out Of The Sun
Sweet Hot Sleep
Industrial Lice & Magic
Walking Hand In Pseudopod On A Starry Night
Magical Misery Tour
Is It Hot In Here?
Live Nerd Girls I like Nerd Girls…especially the live ones.
THE WRITER IN ME
There are stories inside these titles, but I’ll almost certainly never write them. For whatever reason, almost all of them seem rather noirish/hardboiled sounding. I have no idea why.
Scotch, Shotguns & Sin I see this one set at a hunting lodge for rich people, somewhere in upstate New York.
Sleeping With The Goddess Of Storms This one could easily be about a relationship I had many years ago with a woman who REALLY liked thunderstorms.
Red Hot Kisses And Ice Cold Steel A woman seeking revenge, perhaps?
Whispering Into The Ear Of Danger But who is danger? A dame? A wiseguy on the run? Somebody with nothing left to lose?
The Long Hot Ride To A New Future I see this one as a short story, mostly told in flashback.
Red Hair, Blue Eyes, Black Heart A dame, definitely. The kind of coldhearted bitch that leaves a trail of broken men everywhere she goes.
Nicky Knuckles Gets The Hot Goodbye I know a true story that could fit this one to a tee, but I’d just as soon go on breathing.
Run Fast Towards Yesterday Oddly, I see this one as a romance novel.
Violet Eyed Night Girls Supernatural erotica, you say? Yeah, I agree.
TOUCHED BY REALITY
These are the ones that had something to do with the content of the post. I won’t comment on them unless you ask.
Goodbye, Johnny
You Damn Kids!
Geek Weekend Dead Ahead
The Legendary Scottish Frog Impersonation
Rest In Peace, Roscoe
I’m Back
Barbecued Neocon On A Stick
Bad Stuff
Hey, I’ve Got Yer Meme Right Here, Punk!
RECURRING CHARACTERS
Sometimes I just decide to do variations on a theme. Some of these themes pop up with a fair amount of regularity.
Episode 7: The 10 Blue Budgies Strike Back
The Ten Blue Budgies Go On A Three Day Drunk
The Ten Blue Budgies Drop Acid
The Ten Blue Budgies Go To Vegas Why ten blue budgies and not, say, 14 white zebra finches or 7 black hamsters? Beats the hell outta me, but I expect their adventures will continue in 2006.
Frank The Duck Hates MTV
Frank The Duck Comes Home To Stay Frank the Duck is a Beany Baby duck that I bought at a garage sale for a quarter. He lives on our television and he does, in fact, hate MTV.
Doc Tempest And The Return Of Sally Smithfield Sally Smithfield was created by the ever surprising Avis Crane.
Doc Tempest VS The Belles Of Hell
Doc Tempest And The Power Of Love
Doc Tempest And The Electric Doom
Doc Tempest VS The Pets Of Dr. Loveless Yes, Dr. Miguelito Loveless.
Doc Tempest And The Tunguska Terror
Doc Tempest And The Ghost Of Merlin
Doc Tempest And The Creeping Horror
Doc Tempest And The Night Giant He’s a CyberPulp hero…he’s an RPG NPC…he’s one of my alter egos…he’s my Greatest Story Never Told…he’s Doc Tempest, the Dociversian take on Doc Savage.
Mrs. Wangdoodle Plans A Jewel Heist
Mrs. Wangdoodle Learns To Bellydance I see Mrs. Wangdoodle as being kinda like Mrs. Doubtfire, but 100% female and a damned sight more dangerous.
Chapter 14: Bucky & Squint Hijack A Zeppelin
Bucky & Squint Join The Navy I have no real idea where the Bucky and Squint concept came from, but I’m beginning to wonder if there’s not a webcomic in there.
Harry Potter And The Dildo Of Fire
Harry Potter And The Naughty Cheerleaders I could have chosen Trek or LOTR or something else to fuck with, but Harry Potter won.
The Kitty Cats Hold Up a Liquor Store
The Kitty Cats Hijack An Armored Car
The Kitty Cats Build A Suitcase Nuke
The Kitty Cats Go To Mars Oh, come on, you know they’d be raising hell if they could.
Tales From Potawango Island
The Rare Man Eating Oysters Of Potawango Island
The Rare Albino Pygmy Walrus Of Potawango Island Ok, so, ya know how I call Grace things like “My Little Tap Dancing Echidna Of Love” and such? Well, one day I decided that all those strange animals came from one place…Potawango Island. And now, as Paul Harvey says, you know the rest of the story.
The Dociverse Blog 