Attack Of The Lemon Verbena

…at least it smells great

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My Wild & Misspent Youth: The Cop Car Story

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Ok, my little forest friends, at long last, I present…

Once upon a time, in the early 1980’s…

A beautiful Young Pre-Med Student needed money to attend a prestigious university that she had gained admittance to. She did not have the money, nor did her parents. In fact, the only person she knew who might give her the money, was her Crazy Old Auntie, who lived in a Big City on the west coast of a Great Kingdom.

Now, this auntie was very wealthy and lived alone with two aging little dogs named Teddy and Freddie. She loved the dogs very much and had not traveled very much in the previous 12 years because “Teddy and Freddie don’t travel well”. So, when the Crazy Old Auntie was offered a trip to a Far Off Land with her equally crazy old sisters, she made the Young Pre-Med Student an offer.

“If you watch my babies for a whole month…never leaving them unattended for longer than an hour or so…I shall pay your way through medical school. BUT, I shall call you every six hours every day to make sure all is well. AND, you cannot have your scruffy friends over to visit, because I just know they will steal my stuff. ALSO, you cannot consume alcohol or listen to that horrid rock & roll while in my home.”

And so it was that on the first of the month, the Young Pre-Med Student went to her Crazy Old Auntie’s house to babysit her aging and rather boring dogs. Now, despite being virtually imprisoned in an creepy old Victorian home that smelled of old lady and old dogs and did not have booze, cable tv, a stereo or any book written after 1940, the Young Pre-Med Student did alright for the first two weeks. After all, the dogs slept about 20 hours a day and she had brought several books she needed to read and the television did get about 5 broadcast channels and her auntie’s radio did get all the local AM stations, so things were ok.

By the end of week three, however, the Young Pre-Med Student was getting ready to climb the walls. She had to get out of this place for at least a few hours or she would go insane. But how to do it? All of her auntie’s nosy old neighbors were watching the house, ready to report any unapproved goings on. She needed a plan, and so she called up her good friend the California Kid.

“Oh, Kid”, she said, “please get me out of here for a couple of drinks and a nice dinner and a bit of merriment. We must do it so as to not tip off my auntie’s nosy neighbors, but do it we must!”

The California Kid thought upon this for a moment, then hit upon a plan.

“Fear not, fair maiden, for I have just thought of a spiffy plan that will allow you to slip out to party. My accomplices and I will be there in a few days, so be of stout heart.”

He then filled her in on the plan, which she thought was a very good one. Now, filled with hope that she would escape this creepy old place, she passed the next few days with a light heart.

The two old dogs hardly noticed or cared.

It was on a Saturday evening, just after dark, that the Young Pre-Med Student stepped out into her auntie’s back yard. Strolling over to the rear gate, which let out into a narrow alley, she looked around for any sign of nosy old neighbors watching her. Seeing none, she shot out through the gate, passing on the way another young lady who was dressed just like her.

This other young lady was a Young Mother Of Three who really needed a few hours away from her husband and three small children. She strolled back into the house and made sure to walk in front of a few windows so as to let the Nosy Neighbor Patrol think that nothing was amiss inside the house. Then she settled in with a good book and enjoyed the silence, which was only punctuated by the soft sound of snoring dogs.

Meanwhile, the Young Pre-Med Student walked down the alley to find the California Kid waiting beside a car. In the front seat of the car was her Best Friend and, behind the wheel, her Best Friend’s loser boyfriend, The Stoner. Still, even the presence of The Stoner could not dampen her feelings tonight! She was free and ready to party!

For about 3 hours, which would still leave her an hour to get back home in time for her auntie’s inevitable phone call, which, like all the other phone calls this month, would be all about how well Teddy and Freddie were doing.

Thus it was that, once The Stoner had dropped them off on a street full of eating, drinking and dancing establishments, and then went off to park the car, her night of revelry began.

Over the next three hours, they ate good food, drank good drinks and danced up a storm. The California Kid regaled her with stories and jokes and even the odd bit of lecherous innuendo. Her Best Friend filled her in on all the latest news from back home and told her that tonight was the last time she was going out with The Stoner, because she had met a new gentleman, The Actor. Meanwhile, The Stoner would leave them every few minutes to go get even more stoned.

Once the three hours were up, they walked back to where The Stoner Had parked the car. Alas, the car was not there! It had been towed away because The Stoner had parked in front of a driveway!

Immediately, The Young Pre-Med Student and her Best Friend began to berate The Stoner with words that are not fit to print here. Additionally, the Young Pre-Med Student began to look at her watch every few seconds and started the beginning of an emotional meltdown.

You see, when her Crazy Old Auntie called, she had to be there. The Young Mother Of Three did not sound at all like her on the phone and that would surely tip her auntie off that something was up that surely must be stressing out her dear doggies. Oh no, she just HAD to be there when the call came.

With a great deal of withering invective, the two ladies sent The Stoner off to get his car out of impound, despite the fact that this would take several hours. Then, along with the California Kid, they took a look at their combined funds, with the hope that they could afford a cab.

Their hopes were dashed. Neither lady had more than a couple of dollars and the California Kid, who had been footing the bill for the night’s merriment, was down to a mere five bucks. All totaled, it would get them less than halfway. The Young Pre-Med Student moved several steps nearer to a nervous breakdown.

“Chin up, ladies”, said the California Kid in a voice filled with optimism, “I’ll figure something out. Meanwhile, let’s head a few streets over and catch a cab.”

As they walked, the California Kid considered his options. Hijacking a cab was pretty much out and he lacked the skills necessary to hotwire a car. Although he was pretty sure that the Young Pre-Med Student was on the verge of offering a passing stranger sex for a fast car ride home, he found that option distasteful. And then, fate dropped a gift right in front of them.

As they approached a corner, they say many police cars, marked and unmarked, rush up and stop in front of an apartment building. From these cars poured city cops, FBI and DEA agents. Obviously, a hell of a big drug bust was about to happen.

As the California Kid watched all of this, he saw a police car stop just a few yards away. Out of it climbed someone he knew well: Dickhead, The Dirty Cop. Now, Dickhead was a very corrupt police officer who shook down hookers and drug addicts and anybody else he could intimidate. He was not well loved by his fellow cops and he was quite hated by almost everyone else. The California Kid hated him with a burning passion and very much wanted to fuck him over some day.

So it very much brightened the Kid’s mood to see that, in a hurry to get in on the bust, Dickhead had left his car door open and the keys in the ignition. It would not be overstating things to say that the Kid got a bit of wood when a plan popped quickly into his head.

“Ladies”, he said in a rather joyful manner, “our chariot awaits!” And with that, he loaded them (with not nearly as much force as he expected) into the cop car and, with a rather maniacal laugh, drove off towards the Crazy Old Auntie’s house.

Despite having only about 18 minutes to make a 30 minute drive, the Kid made it with 3 minutes to spare. Upon later reflection he decided that having flashing lights and a siren at one’s disposal is the way to go when you need to get from point A to point B in record time. He was also very impressed with the bladder control of both young ladies when the car caught major air three times and power slid around at least four corners. Also, it was a blessing that the siren drowned out both their screams and his own nonstop laughter.

After dropping the ladies off, the Kid drove the cop car to a rather seedy section of town, where he regaled the local inhabitants with the story of how Dickhead lost his car. They cheered him as a hero and several of the working girls offered him freebies, which he respectfully declined in favor of having a local small businessman drive him back out to the suburbs.

And so, children, our story ends thusly…

The Young Pre-Med Student answered the phone and assured her auntie that the dogs were in great shape and awaiting her return. A few days later, her auntie did indeed return and kept her promise to pay for med school. Our Heroine is now an Ob-Gyn in a medium sized city.

The Best Friend got a call the next day from The Stoner, who had the misfortune to get busted on his way to the impound lot. She hung up on him and, several years and boyfriends later, married a real estate agent.

The Stoner got 18 months in the county lockup and then left for the East Coast, where he was never heard from again.

Dickhead, The Dirty Cop, whose car was found stripped and covered with graffiti became the laughingstock of the police force, got a serious ass chewing from his Captain, was taunted by the local criminal element and eventually quit his job and moved far away.

And the California Kid got many nights of serious physical thanks from the Young Pre-Med student, as well as another memory to regale himself with in his old age.

The end.