…co-starring her twin cousins Felix and Adelbert
The 2009 Subject Line Review
Appearing in 4 parts, it begins
JANUARY
Garbanzo Bean Soccer…is played on a tabletop, using a garbanzo bean (chickpea), usually during a holiday, at the home of your aunt who can’t cook worth a damn.
Chapter 71: In Which Our Hero Finds Out That He Is A Father, Sells A Duck And Doesn’t Die…I consider not dying during the course of an adventure (and I mean REAL LIFE adventures) to be a damned good thing. I graduated Phi Beta Kappa from that school, which is why one of my personal mottos is: Comedy is easy…Dying is hard. I should probably also point out that if, at this late stage in the game, I found out that I was a father, the shock might indeed kill me.
R.I.P. Daisy Cross…she has been gone a year now and we still miss her.
I’m Back…I returned after a few days off.
The Ten Blue Budgies Put On A Musical Show…I’d pay good money to see that, actually. I’ll note here that the Ten (sometimes 10) Blue Budgies are my oldest recurring subject line characters.
An Elasmosaurus In The Bathtub…Once again, my love of dinosaurs influences a subject line. Yes, it would have to be a friggin’ humongous bathtub.
There’s A New Marshal In Town…I’m still waiting for Mr. Obama to grab the righties by the balls (or better yet, the throats), so their hearts and minds will follow. Perhaps after the mid-term elections.
Chapter 229: In Which Our Hero, Stranded On An Island, Invents Windsurfing And Escapes The Cannibals…Two chapters in one month. Go me! Also, CANNIBALS!
Gorgonzola Cheese Golems…This is what happens when you watch Food Network while reading a monster manual. I wonder if Alton Brown would approve?
It’s all Fun And Games Until You Fall Naked Onto A Pile Of 4 Sided Dice…Having twice stepped on a D4, I can only imagine how it would hurt to fall into a pile of them.
Dr. Silkmelon Prepares For His Voyage…One day, I shall write up the improbable and humorous tale of The Incredible Silkmelon/Porkwaffle Voyage To Potawango Island, Including Their Meeting With The Iblo People, Their Encounter With Creatures Not Found Anywhere Else In The World, A Detailed Diary Of Their Heroic Exploits And Profuse Illustrations
Pink Pigeon Parade…I have no idea where this one came from. There really are pink pigeons tho. I think they are found in the Mauritius Islands.
The 32 Things You Can Do With A Cup Of Soup And A Norfolk Terrier…I love coming up with these list based titles, but in reality, I could only think of 5 or 6 things. Perhaps if one substituted a West Highland White Terrier…
The California Kid Continues His Journey Around The Sun…I marked another birthday, my 55th. Some days I feel 16, some days I feel 80, but rarely do I feel my true age. Mind you, I would have no trouble feeling women my age:)
The Further Adventures Of Doctor What And The Andalusian Dog…Have I mentioned lately that I think Robin Laws is a genius and that the Cut Ups are THE coolest gang in ALL of RPGdom?
FEBRUARY
Zargo, The Mutant Penguin From Planet Y…How the fuck do I come up with this shit? Must have been the drugs back in my Wild & Misspent Youth.
Spider And His Crew Scored A Grand Slam…One day, I’ll tell the story of my friend, Spider, who was a Master Thief. He actually gave me permission to write about it all in A&E years ago, but I never got around to it.
Junior Muskrat Goes On A Zeppelin Ride…I would SO love to ride on a zeppelin. A muskrat would just be a bonus, really.
Jesus Still Hasn’t Brought The Pork Chops…and George Carlin is still missed.
What Happens In Ravenloft Stays In Ravenloft…usually because what happens in Ravenloft means you end up dead, cursed, insane or evil. Kind of like Hollywood, actually.
Danny, Doc, Hard Liquor & A Shopping Cart…He would hunt me down and kill me if I told that story.
Chapter 432: In Which Our Hero Escapes The French, Paints A House And Eats Clams…Those darned Frenchies just can’t hold on to Our Hero. Hmmm…clams sounds really good.
It Came From The Back Of The Refrigerator!…I fought it off with a cold meatloaf and a jar of marmalade.
The Society For The Preservation Of Old Preservation Societies…Recursiveness: I haz it!
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?…This one is just too simple to comment on.
Orangutans Who Wear Hats Cannot Be Trusted…See, this is the sort of statement that nobody ever believes until it’s too late.
Mr. Porkwaffle Climbs A Volcano…You can bet your ass it wasn’t his idea. Mr. Porkwaffle is not the bravest of souls.
Of Crawdads, Rain And Battling Bovines…Another story from my bucolic childhood on the farm. Mmmm…crawdads!
The Rare And Beautiful Toxic Poppy Of Potawango Island…We are talking no shit toxic, buddy! These fuckers can drop a charging water buffalo!
The San Jose Gay Boy Mafia Goes To Fresno…Some of my old pals in the Bay Area just loved to stir up trouble. But the dressed really well while doing it.
Pixies Come To Deathtown…Another book and/or movie title. Why isn’t Hollywood buying these from me? They’ve made movies based on a lot less.
The Art And Science Of Dog Bathing…Depending upon the dog breed, this can be very simple (Labs) or more difficult (Terriers). The noble Basset Hound generally falls under the “I’m letting you do this under protest” group.
The Kitty Cats Star In A Reality Show…You just know it would be way more interesting than the ones featuring humans. Also, they’d be way cuter.
The Rare And Beautiful Popping Yellow Watermelons Of Potawango Island…I’m not sure if they just pop or if they blow up spectacularly.
Thrilling Moose Stories…That would be thrilling stories about moose, not thrilling stories told by a moose. Regardless, it would sell like back bacon in Canada:)
MARCH
It’s All Fun and Games Until You Slide Down An Icy Hill Naked…Yes, this really happened, altho not to me. There was some fear or frostbite and several diamond hard nipples.
Doc Tempest And The Curse Of Medusa…Have I mentioned that I’m slowly listing ALL of the Doc Tempest titles from it’s 150+ year run? I’ll post the complete list when it’s done.
Purple Cheese Whiz…Another title that just popped into my head one day. Better than Purple Whiz Cheese, I suppose.
Desmond Never Quite Knew What To Do With The Bodies…This is not entirely based in truth. You’d need to substitute CENSORED for Desmond and CENSORED for bodies.
Waldo, King Of The Snow Monkeys…In truth, since most snow monkeys are found in Japan, the odds of you meeting one named Waldo are pretty slim. However, Waldo is a funnier name that whatever his Japanese name might be.
Don’t Touch That!…You touched it anyway, didn’t you? Naughty, naughty.
Bucky & Squint Build A Meatloaf Golem…Yet another food based golem? Maybe I ought to write a combination Monster Manual/Cookbook.
Fig Beer…I love figs and I love beer, but I think I’ll pass on this one.
Who Watches The Watchers Watching The Watchmen?…This one kinda mad my head explode a little. Still, it was a good movie.
Exploding Sweet Taters…Based on a real life camping accident. Nobody was hurt, but it did almost knock over our pot of chili.
Harry Potter And The Horny House Elves…The mental image of house elves screwing with wild abandon all over Hogwarts cracked me up when I first wrote this.
Rat Monsters Attack A Circus…Is this a perfect late 60s/early 70s drive in horror movie title or what?
Aunt Pearl And The Sassy Bear…True event. My Aunt Pearl, who probably had 150 pounds on the bear, chased him off with a broom after he refused to respond to her yelling at him. When he “wuffed” at her, she decided he was being sassy and out came the broom. No, he was not tame…but then, neither was Aunt Pearl.
Pickle Pancakes…I’m sure this is a beloved taste treat somewhere in the U.S…probably in the Deep South.
The Cupcake Elves Battle The Chowder Gnomes…I need to write these guys up sometime. Personally, I’d rather be hit with a warm cupcake than hot chowder.
Doctor Silkmelon Goes Into The Deepest Jungle…Doctor Silkmelon has almost no fear of the strange beasts on Potawango Island.
Ronald Reagan Was A Miserable Son Of a Bitch…And some day, I shall piss upon his grave while he looks on from his special place in Hell.
Starting Up Your First Dugong Ranch…I have serious doubts that this would work out profitably, since dugongs are an endangered species.
The Island Of The Mad Doctor Who Made People Into Animal Monsters That Eat You…This is how my nephew Christopher (age 7 then, age 25 now) described “The Island Of Doctor Moreau” to his parents.
Doc Tempest VS The Nova Mob…The Doc Tempest universe apparently intersects the William S. Burroughs universe.
Sal Schwemp, Septic Tank Cleaner To The Stars…Ahh, the Schwemp family: Aiming low and hitting the target for 7 centuries now.
Miss Winker Takes A Bath…Of all our beloved hounds over the years, Winker is the only one who actually enjoys getting a bath. The others all acted like we were heaping abuse and indignity upon them.
The Great Beer Battle And How It Brought Cousin Ollie To Religion…There’s a funny short story in this one, I just know it.
Pudding On The Ritz…This is a true off the cuff remark by me. It happened at a picnic years ago, after a tragic food collision.
I’ll Kick The Troll While You Pimpslap The Ogre…Another true quote, this time from a D&D game that, at that exact point, went terribly wrong. Well, it went wrong for the characters. The players and I laughed ourselves sick.
Chapter 53: In Which Our Hero Escapes Certain Death, Tickles A Camel And Gives A Cat A Fish…You’d have to be one brave or insane motherfucker to tickle a foul tempered beast like a camel. Giving a cat a fish, however, requires little bravery.
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