…they don’t moo, they gong
Today, we end the Weights & Measures theme and begin the Random Tables In Search Of An RPG theme. Enjoy!
The Doclopedia #827
Weights & Measures: 4,000 Pounds
Yep, that there is a full growed Blue Herffle. She weighs in at 4,000 pounds, which is pretty much average, bub. See the way both tails curl up over her back? That means she’s ready for breedin’. You put her in a breedin’ ring with one of them big 5,500 pound males and he’ll get the job done right fast. Now, you do have to watch that he doesn’t break one of her horns when he grabs onto her with his breedin’ claws. That happens now and again and it fair pisses them females off. Can’t say as I’d blame them.
Oh yeah, we have the Brown and Yellow Herffles, too, but they don’t grow up as fast or as big as the Blues do. For my money, they taste better, too. A Blue Herffle steak is a damned tasty meal, bub. Now, how many head were you thinkin’ of buyin’?
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To my Non-Gaming readers: Many traditional roleplaying games, especially Dungeons & Dragons, have charts and tables for various random things. In this series of posts, I’m just putting up some random tables with the hopes that one of my crazy gamer friends will build a roleplaying game around them. Yes, it’s all very screwy.
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The Doclopedia #828
Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: Body Parts List
1: Fat Ass
2: Crooked Toes
3: “Funny Looking” Genitals
4: Big Nose
5: Skinny Ass
6: Long Legs
7: Beer Belly
8: “Gene Simmons” Tongue
9: Muscular Arms
10: Long Fingers
11: Small Ears
12: Flat Feet
13: Rock Hard Abs
14: Big Breasts (females) or Muscular Chest (males)
15: Big Hands
16: No Appreciable Ass
17: Crooked Nose
18: Big Ears
19: Wide Mouth
20: Petite Nose
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The Doclopedia #829
Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: Materials List #1
1: Felt Sheets
2: Titanium Wire
3: Balsa Wood
4: Colored Paper
5: Rabbit Fur
6: Copper Pipes
7: Adobe Mud
8: Quartz Crystals
9: Silk Rope
10: Concrete (3 yards)
11: Oak Planks
12: Glass Bricks
13: Steel Rods
14: Plastic Tubing
15: Stone Slabs (3′ X 3′)
16: Aluminum Foil (heavy)
17: Redwood Beams (10′)
18: Rubber Mats
19: Wool
20: Wrought Iron Fencing (20′)
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The Doclopedia #830
Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: Materials List #2
1: Human Skin
2: Dog Hair
3: Cow Teeth
4: Horse Hide
5: Parrot Feathers
6: Clam Shells
7: Snake Skin
8: Moose Antlers
9: Monkey Bones
10: Goat Hooves
11: Boar Tusks
12: Human Bones
13: Rhinoceros Hide
14: Lion Teeth
15: Cat Hair
16: Turtle Shells
17: Bear Claws
18: Chicken Feet
19: Opossum Fur
20: Human Teeth
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The Doclopedia #831
Random Tables In Search Of An RPG: Weapon List
1: Sword
2: Plastic Milk Jug Full Of Marbles
3: Weasel Tied To A Stick
4: Axe
5: Bullwhip
6: Bag Full Of Rocks
7: Frying Pan
8: Big Angry Snake
9: Flamethrower
10: Tea Kettle Full Of Boiling Water
11: Ball Peen Hammer
12: Mace
13: Pitchfork
14: Bottle Of Sulphuric Acid
15: Shotgun
16: Hacksaw
17: Cinder Block On A Rope
18: Wooden Spoon
19: Baseball Bat
20: Spear
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