…co-starring her pet spider monkey, Bruce
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The Doclopedia #1,688
And Then…: The Escaped Cow Incident
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Yeah, both cows got loose, and then, while we were chasing them, it started to rain and Clara, the Jersey, decided to just walk back home with my sister Ellen and my cousin Polly. But do you think that big dumb Holstein, Bessie, would go home? Heck no, she just kept trotting along and Jack & I just kept trying to get ahead of her.
Then, it started raining really hard and she ran out into Old Man Watson’s potato field, which was muddy as hell and both Jack and I fell three times. So, there Bessie is, strolling across the field and me & Jack are muddy from head to toe and thinking that damned cow would look good in a barbecue pit, when we hear this high pitched sound.
We look up and there was an honest to God UFO. It was maybe 100 feet wide and 50 feet from top to bottom and it looked like an upside down pie tin. It landed about 20 feet from us and old Bessie took off running full tilt toward home. Me and Jack were kinda stuck in the mud and scared, so we didn’t move.
Then a door opens up on the side and some guys in space suits come out and begin waving around these things that look like Space Age flashlights. They pointed them at the ground, the potato plants, a tree and us. Then they just up and get back on board and take off.
Well, Jack & I ran all the way home, where Ellen hosed us off and Polly said Bessie ran into the barn nice as can be. We told them about the UFO, but then said not to tell Mom, Dad or anyone else or we’d get put in the mental hospital like Uncle Ralph.
We didn’t say anything, even when we heard about Old Man Watson nearly having a heart attack when he found a 100 foot wide spot in his potato field smashed flat by a great weight.
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The Doclopedia #1,689
And Then…: The Invisible Cat Problem
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So, my nephew Chris gets a chemistry set for his birthday, and then, a week later, while I’m babysitting him and his two brothers for the day at my house, he turns my cat, Zeke, invisible.
No, I have no idea how he did it and he forgot exactly what and how he mixed it, but he spilled it on Zeke and bingo, invisible cat. Now, Zeke is a big cat and usually really mellow and friendly, but when he became invisible, he got spooked and lost his shit. I can understand that, because it’s some weird shit.
Anyway, he takes off running and he’s knocking shit over and the kids are trying to catch him and their knocking shit over and then I’m trying to catch him and the whole house is in chaos. Really, after about two minutes, it looked like a drunken herd of wild hogs had run through the place.
I got the boys to stop moving and Freddy noticed that Zeke had stopped running around, too. We looked around, hoping to see a depression in the carpet or something indicating where he was. Finally, Jeff saw him on the back of the couch, because apparently Zeke was only like 95% invisible. When he was setting still, you could see a blurry form.
We were all talking slow and nice and very slowly moving toward him when the front door open and Rita walks in, sees the house and yells “Pete, what the fuck happened here?” and scared Zeke. Then the chase was on again and I’m yelling an explanation to Rita and the kids are tracking the blur way better than me and then Zeke ran through some water that spilled on the kitchen floor and we can see his feet!
Next thing you know, the boys have glasses of water and slowly but surely we wash about 75% of that stuff off Zeke, at which point, I catch him. I took him into the shower and washed him off and he was totally visible again.
Of course, now my house looks like a disaster zone, the boys are in deep trouble with their mom & dad, my girlfriend is pissed off, my cat is up on top of his cat tree giving me the stinkeye and I have bruises, cuts, a couple of pulled muscles and about 50 cat scratches.
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