I Only Have Eyes For You, Plus A Couple Of Ears And One Finger

…and a foot. almost forgot the foot.

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The Doclopedia #2,099

How Not To…: Meet Your Future In-Laws

Well, you don’t want to confuse the days and think your future in-laws will be there on Sunday morning when in fact they show up on Saturday morning after you and your future wife have hosted a big damn party the night before and the house looks like a frat house and a gay bar and a zoo slammed into each other and exploded and for reasons we won’t go into both of you are wearing each other’s clothing and your friend Tony who is a great cook is yelling “What the fuck do you assholes want for breakfast” and Lily is asking where her shoes are and your big dog is sleeping on the sofa with Albert and both of them are snoring and the living room has a kiddie pool full of banana pudding in it and you and your future wife and all your friends are still drunk.

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The Doclopedia #2,100

How Not To…: Be An Asshole

I’m pretty sure a few of my friends bet money that I would be clueless on this subject, but they are wrong. So, how not to be an asshole? Some examples.

1: If you are a corrupt scumbag of a cop who shakes down hookers and weed dealers and other street people in 1978 San Francisco, stop doing it and quit the force and go do something decent. That way, you will avoid eventually having your cop car stolen and used on an errand of mercy and then dumped so those street people can strip it. You will avoid being punished and laughed off the force and having your ass kicked several times once you are an ex-cop.

2: If you are a sleazy businessman who is cheating on your wife and threatening your hard working waitress daughter with no money for college unless she gives up her boyfriend, you should stop that shit and beg forgiveness and never do it again. By doing so, you will avoid having 8X10 glossies of yourself boning your side action put up all over town, as well as having some of your virulent rants recorded and played back for people you do business with. Added bonus: Your wife doesn’t get the best 50% of your stuff when she divorces you.

3: If you are the #1 mean rich girl at school, who torments many other girls, you should repent and try to undo the bad you’ve done. That will prevent your extremely detailed diary containing of your sex life, hatred of your parents and some seriously vicious rants from finding it’s way into your parents hands. You can avoid being cut off financially, sent off to a boarding school in the middle of nowhere and losing all your friends.