Looking For Mr. Crowbar

…was that a book or a movie?

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The Doclopedia #2,101

How Not To…: Alienate Friends

Suggested by Nancy Aikman Martin

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It turns out that the solution to alienating friends is the same solution to many things: DON’T BE A DICK! Be caring and understanding instead. Works every time. Also maybe be mindful of your breath and try not to rip off really horrible farts.

I need to admit that when I fierst read the suggestion for this entry, I thought it was ALIENIZE Friends, which, as it turns out, is very difficult.

I mean, aside from whacking then full of alien DNA, which is almost never compatible anyway, the only other way is to take their great X 20 grandparents to some other planet centuries ago and see what you end up with today. The Wemafolons did that with some homo sapiens about 30,000 years ago, which is why there are so many human looking races out there. We can interbreed with about half of them, if they wanted to hook up with the trailer trash of our Galactic Sector.

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The Doclopedia #2,102

How Not To…: Blow Up The Universe

Suggested by Avis Crane

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This is one of my friend Avis’ little jokes, because you can’t even blow up a good hunk of a galaxy, let alone an entire universe. It would be like a paramecium trying to blow up a black hole. Ain’t gonna happen.

Hell, you can’t even mess up an entire universe, although you can, given enough time and motivation, play a good bit of hell with a Galactic Sector or two.

I’d tell you how, but then the shit would hit the fan and I’d be dead.