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The Doclopedia #2,301
I Know a Guy: Jack Cho
There were two Korean guys in the park. It was 3:00 in the morning and pretty warm out. This was good, because the younger of the two men was naked and tied to a pine tree. He had one end of a rubber dog bone in his mouth and was biting down hard on it. That was a good idea, since the other end of the dog bone was holding up the blade of a guillotine that had his genitals locked into it. If he let go, the 5 pound blade would come down and, well, not make for a good time.
The older man, Jack Cho, looked at his handiwork and nodded approvingly. Then he spoke, in a pleasant and cheerful voice, to the younger man.
“So, I’m wondering if I ought to visit Korea. I’ve never been there. Hell, my folks only went once, before I was born. I mean, I was raised in Los Angeles and my mom is white. Hell, my dad was born in Bakersfield. So, you know, not a lot of tight connection with Korea. But, I dunno, I kinda feel like I ought to go there at least once.”
He walked over to his car, the trunk of which the young man had recently been in, and got a bottle of diet cola. After drinking about half of it, he resumed talking.
“But enough about me, let’s talk about you. You got some bad wiring in your head concerning how to deal with women. That has to change. It won’t be easy, but if you want to keep your goods where they are, you have to try. Because I’ve got all your information and I can find you any time. And I will check up on you.”
Jack paused to drink some more soda.
“You know, I think I will go to Korea. I mean, what the hell, right? You only live once. Hey, I’ve got an idea. How about you go live in Texas? Say, Austin. And you stay there for at least 5 years. After that, you can go wherever you want, but not here. Oh, and you never date anyone named Judy and if a woman dumps you, you go have a few drinks and then move on.”
He reached up and took the dog bone out of the young man’s mouth, allowing the blade to just barely touch flesh.
“Do you understand me?”
The younger man nodded rapidly.
Jack smiled.
“Great! Now, I’m going to untie you and give you a minute to get your circulation back. Then, you are going to go down this road about a mile. At the first stop sign, you find your clothes and a bottle of soda. Your car is a half mile past that. You’re gonna go home, pack up all your shit and be out of town by noon tomorrow. If not, well, you get the French Revolution treatment. And hey, it was great talking to you!”
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